Pregnant Jennifer Lopez Was Killed by a Dragon

At least at the box office where the unstoppable fire-breathers roared for another week. They've been trained how to fly, but J.Lo's career is still in an unstoppable tailspin thanks to another movie dud.

1) How to Train Your Dragon—$15 million
Dragons live for a very, very long time, and so does this movie, which was in the top slot again in its fifth weekend and has grossed $178 million so far. What explains the slight 23% drop from last week, when it barely edged out Kick-Ass for the top slot? Well, it just proves that Americans would rather listen to America Ferrera's voice at the movies than see her face on the television. Either that or there is a whole nation of spoiled kids who are making their parents go see this again and again so they can already have the lines memorized before they get the Super Deluxe Special Edition $84.99 DVD for their seventh birthdays. Or, people really liked the incessant commercials during the Olympics and remember this movie more than they remember just what the hell Nordic Combined is.

2) The Back-Up Plan—$12.25 million
It is a sad day for Jennifer Lopez, but a happy day for the rest of us who just want her to go away for good. The opening for this movie about a lady who gets pregnant right before meeting the man of her dreams (who is very handsome but has absolutely zero name recognition) was a bit of a disappointment. Even more disappointing is that the audience was 71% female which just goes to prove that women can no longer convince their boyfriends to watch crappy movies they don't care about. Emergency! What does this mean for Sex and the City 2?! Between the poor receipts and the general decline in her money-making abilities, J.Lo is probably curled up in a ball crying somewhere right now.

3) Date Night—$10.6 million
In its third week, the Tina Fey-Steve Carell comedy is still raking it in. Well, it's not making How to Train Your Dragon money, but it's doing alright for two people who are carrying the Must See TV mantle in an era where the only people who watch NBC are Jeff Zucker and his extended family. It's grossed $63.5 million so far, $12.50 of which is mine, so I have a stake in this rising total of theirs.

4) The Losers—$9.6 million
How sad is it when a movie called The Losers goes and proves its moniker apt by being a total dud on its opening weekend? The only thing sadder is what this is going to do to Chris Evan's career of taking his shirt off in horrible comic book movies. We really want the movies to stop, but where else are we going to get our dose of Chris Evans' pecs? Where? With pretty much universal bad reviews and a cast of B-listers, this just never gained any traction. Maybe that's because no one recognized Zoe Saldana because she wasn't wearing her giant blue alien suit.

5) Kick-Ass—$9.5 million
The only thing sadder than a movie named The Losers being a loser is a movie called Kick-Ass not kicking ass. It brought its total up to $34.9 million in two weeks, but considering it was a trending topic on Twitter before it opened, it certainly hasn't lived up to the hype. Maybe everyone hates mean sociopathic little girls as much as Andrea Peyser. Maybe Andrea Peyser retroactively ruined the box office just so it would prove her right! We wouldn't put it past her.

[Image via Getty]