No toys in your food! Poison in your food! Fire fight your food! Hot peppers are your food! An electronic device is the master of your food! It's your Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sucking a habanero!
- Local politicians in California are considering banning the practice of putting toys in with fast food kid's meals, on the theory that if kids eat toys they will choke and who can do wind sprints when you're choking?
- Health guru Gary Null, who most of you probably know as the Health Guru who makes Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal, was "left bloodied and in intense pain from two daily servings" of his own god damn health supplement, Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal. Could Gary Null's Ultimate Power Meal be bad for you? Get a colon cleanse at once to wash away that negative thinking.
- Chicago fire fighters are reportedly heeding the "obesity alarm." That's the fire alarm that rings five minutes early to give the fat firefighters time to pull on their fat fire gear and huff and puff down the stairs cause they're too fat to slide down the fire pole! "Burn!" Burn!
- Scientists say that eating spicy peppers burns calories just like exercise does. Instead of physically moving your body, simply procure a bushel of extremely hot peppers and spend all day sitting in one place, eating them, until the pain becomes nigh on unbearable. A practical solution at last.
- Half a million of you have downloaded the "Eat This, Not That!" iPhone app from Men's Health. We don't care to be friends with any of you.