We saw another contestant fall in the line of duty last night, and it was something of a surprise! Not that big of a surprise, there are few surprises when there are six people left, but still a surprise.
Shall we just talk about it up front because there is very little else about last night to talk about? I think we shall.
Siobhan "Shogun" Magnus, 422 PFSY (Post-Federation Star Years) - 2010 HEY (Human Earth Years!! Heyyy!). Can you believe that America didn't vote for her? For a while there, America and her were like best friends. She and America were all about going to the shopping mall together and listening to their favorite Peter Cetera tapes together and giggling about who they had crushes on. (Siobhan had a crush on a boy named Zoozi that she made up, America had a crush on Guam.) But I don't know. I guess something happened. America started dating Phil Dweezy and things got weird with Siobhan — she got sort of jealous and could act a bit bitchy, so frustrated was she with feeling America slip away. In the end, though, there was nothing she could do to stop it. Eventually she and America didn't even wave or say hi in the halls, they just passed each other wordlessly and felt a gulf of sadness between them — the rueful, distant, forever unspoken kind.
Do you think she just got too weird? Was that it? I don't think it was. I think she didn't get weird enough. If you want to turn on the black light in your brain and remember Adam Lambert for a second (only a second, don't worry, not long enough for the glitter demons to find you), you'll recall that he just kept getting more and more ridiculous. On the Top 9 he was standing upright and singing a song in his usual shiver-wail patois, but by the Top 5 he was curled up inside a hollowed-out dead tree, issuing a rhythmic series of hisses and moans to the vague tune of a forgotten Gloria Gaynor song. He was doing this, basically. (Thanks for the creepy link, Brian!) But Siobhan was just like "Hey guys, here are my pants and here is my song that I'm going to sing, it's a song that goes like this: Heeeeee Ooooooo Doooo Deeeee, AAahhhhhhhhhh!!!" Always the yelling at the end. She was basically Caitlin from that Ricky-Rick-Rick skit off SNL. Just, you know, a little bit older and imbued with a strange and misplaced confidence. Her whole shtick got really unpleasant and repetitive, and you could see the judges getting bored with her and the audience turning restless. Simon and Paula and Bob Saget and everyone tried to pump up some excitement on Tuesday night by saying "That was grrrrreat!!!" and whooping and firing guns in the air and flashing their boobs (in Kara's case), but I guess it just wasn't enough. The flame had died out, Siobhan did not have the momentum.
After Ryan delivered the news, Siobhan's stunned face didn't move for a second. Then she rushed to her friends and family and hugged them tight. She was absolutely shocked that her time was up. Siobhan, I fear, had begun to buy her own hype. Which is a shame! Because there wasn't that much hype to begin with and I guess she bought it all, meaning no one else could have any, so she was just left standing there holding all her hype and Ryan said "Great, you're already packed" and he pointed her toward the door. So old Siobhan shuffled off and when almost at the door she snapped her fingers and, with a bright pulse of light, disappeared into the atmosphere, particles in the wind, memory and mist.*
So now we're down to the Final Five! Can you believe that little Aaron Kelly remains? It is like six episodes past that boy's bedtime, and yet he's still here holdin' on like crazy. Wasn't even in the damn bottom three last night, was he? It seems that Mike's time has come, as has Casey's, for they both joined Siobhan in the dregs. I think America will do away with Casey first, because next week is Frank Sinatra week (I think?), and that's sort of Mike's arena, and he will likely blow it out the box. But he'll go home after that. Big Mike will finish fourth. (My Idol predictions are always, always, always wrong. Please don't put any money on them, unless you're betting against me.) Phil Dweezy really is going to go to the Final Two, isn't he? That magnificent bastard. That tremendous hoser. That splendiferous jerk-off. Good for him. And Aaron Kelly is gonna mayyyyybe place third. Maybe. He's like the Jasmine Trias of this season, only girlier! Yayyy Aaron.
Well, I think that's basically it. I fast forwarded through all the musical performances. I mean, when Nickel Creek and Shakira are performing on the same show, it's just not worth watching any of it. So, if you have things to say about that stuff, leave it in the comments. Can we also talk about Sharon Stone on SVU? Woof. OK, bye now.
*And by all that I mean she'll just go back to Cape Cod and drink some cranberry juice. She'll sit on the porch and feel the the mid-spring New England beach breeze on her face — those bedsheet celery winds — and things will be quiet all afternoon. The cars will drive lazily by, some stuffed near exploding as families come to open up their houses for the summer, to shake the dust from the rugs and air out the linens and chill a first bottle of wine in the fridge. It's how the calendars work here, empty winters and bustling summers, the lonely cycle of tides high and low. Siobhan will think about that and sit on the porch for hours, her ears still ringing with that applause. And though she will know that the tour awaits her and that, though she didn't win, her life is still — still, still, still — forever changed, she'll feel worried that the whole ride is over, that she's back home and will never leave again. And then her mother will pull up in the Saturn and she will ask for help bringing the groceries in and the floorboards will creak in that familiar way when she steps on them and the screen door will slam and a house or two away a dog will bark and the crickets will whir in the beach grass and Siobhan will be bored and Siobhan will be lonely and Siobhan will be happy and Siobhan will be sad and Siobhan will be thrilled and Siobhan will be in Massachusetts.