Jessica Simpson Wants to Be Michelle Obama, and Other Physical Improbabilities

Jessica Simpson wants to be Michelle Obama, somehow. Jennifer Aniston is locked in a fitness war with a swimsuit model. Peaches wore a confederate flag shirt. Brooke Shields. Sunday's Gossip Roundup is giving a voice to the (literally) small people.

  • At last night's White House Correspondents' dinner, Jessica Simpson revealed her new goal was to be Michelle Obama: "She's such an incredible woman, and she's with such a powerful man." Word is, Simpson is going to go to Iran and marry Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. [People]

  • Choose your battles. Specifically: If it is a fitness battle, do not choose a swimsuit model to fight. They will probably win! Filming a new movie in Hawaii, Jennifer Aniston has flown in her personal trainer to help her fitness fight with swimsuit model and co-star Brooklyn Decker. Apparently Jennifer works out for 80 minutes 5 times a week and is also a master in the martial art of Budokon "a martial arts-based exercise involving kicking and punching." She is metaphorically beating the fat and the ugly parts of her body into submission. [DailyMail]

  • Peaches Geldof wore a confederate flag T-shirt to a party in Hollywood. Which, OK, whatever. Not very surprising. But she also wore a studded dog collar. Which is totally offensive to dogs. [DailyMail]

  • Canadian Supermodel and ex-Halle Berry-dater Gabriel Aubry released a statement that said "I am sad to say that Halle and I have decided together to separate at this time." Meanwhile, Halle Berry was spotted "walking hand-in-hand" with a guy to the play 'Fences.' Pity the guy who's gotta try to measure up to Gabriel Aubry: "Well, Gabriel always used to be the most naturally gorgeous man alive."

  • Brooke Shields wants another baby. [P6]

  • Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renewed their vows. Nick Cannon bought Mariah Carey a diamond-studded candy ring. Is there anything more annoying than this? It's like, you already got a freaking wedding. Why do you always have to be the center of attention! I can understand if you're, like, both 80 years old and want to do something to forget the death which draws ever-nearer, but you guys basically just got married. So, shut up and be miserable like the rest of us. [TMZ][People]

  • Michael Lohan wants to create a conservatorship for Lindsay Lohan, so she may be conserved—like so many natural resources—for future generations. [TMZ]

  • Tiger Woods met with Jeff Fisher, a high-powered divorce lawyer! We're guessing it had to do with the whole sleeping-with-121-women-while-married-thing. But maybe they're just friends? [NYDN]

  • Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker apparently dropped in to see the new Spitzer documentary playing at the Tribeca Film Festival. (Not Ashley Dupre. This one is now a commodities trader.) [NYDN]

  • Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak was going into a hotel with Hank Aaron. Guess which one was mobbed by a crazed New Yorker. (Hint: He was an excellent baseball player.) [P6]