How to Beat Up a Face-Slasher

Hiram Monserrate lost his state senate seat after slashing his girlfriend's face with broken glass. Yesterday, Monserrate's former chief of staff was arrested for being a childish jerk. Everything Monserrate touches turns to shit. Now, you can legally punch him.

Hiram Monserrate got himself some nice attention yesterday when he announced that he'll be fighting in a charity boxing tournament to raise money for autism. Mostly the attention was like, "Seriously, boxing is your first public act after the whole wife-slashing thing?" But still, attention.

Let us turn our attention to the real question here: How to bring about Hiram Monserrate's crushing defeat in the ring. Here, a sneak peek at his training regimen:

As you see, he's pudgy, old, and slow. Just tap-tap the jab to the face and then POW, sink that right hand deep into his soft belly, game over. (For charity). He's a heavyweight, so all we need to do is to find a 200-pound female boxer/ domestic violence victim, and sponsor her. Suggestions?