Lindsay Lohan to Become a Porn Star

You know like become. She's playing one in a movie. Also today: Jane Fonda will be playing herself, the zombie TV show casts another actor, Tony Danza is becoming a high school English teacher, and Twilight newz.

Talk about typecasting! Ol' Hanoi Jane Fonda has landed a role in an indie called Peace, Love, and Understading, in which she'll play a "hippie grandmother" who lives in Woodstock, NY and reconnects with her daughter, a "conservative lawyer" played by Catherine Keener. It's basically a dramatic version of Meet the Fockers. And, you know, wasn't that the first thing you thought when you walked out of that movie? "It was good, but I'd really like to see a dramatic version of that." Well, wish granted. Sure the formidable Teri Polo probably won't be in this one, which is devastating, but you'll at least have the Barbra Streisand character. What a wonderful world we live in sometimes. [THR]

ZITS AND BOYS AND FEELINGS AND BLUEJEANS ALERT. Summit Entertainment, the entertainment division of heaven, has announced a movie release date for Breaking Dawn, the final installment in the Twilight series of vampire dry-humping erotica. This is the one where they actually fuck. Sources (read: sad friends) tell me that they break the bed! Why couldn't it be called Bad Willy Vampyr and the Break-Bed Fuckin'? You'd still have the word "break" in there, which is the whole point, right? Plus lots more '70s-style pimps would see it, and that's a demographic you want. Trust me. Slick Eddie Cullen's Badass Bonin'? Bela Buxom's Dick-Brickin' Revenge? Help me out guys! Oh, anyway, the movie comes out November 2011. [Variety]

Oh goodness. A&E has announced a new slate of shows currently in development and there are some doozies. There's I'm Heavy which is an Intervention/Hoarders about obese people. Aren't they just hoarding fat inside their bodies? Just put 'em on Hoarders, we don't need a whole show for 'em. Another one is called Strange Days with Bob Saget, and it is a TV series based on the dystopian Kathryn Bigelow movie. Ha ha, I am just kidding. Don't you wish that were true, though? In actuality it's about Bob Saget doing wacky things around the country. It's from a company called "Tijuana Productions," so you know it will be classy. The absolute best one is Teach: Tony Danza which is about Tony Danza teaching high school English in Philadelphia. Not a character played by Tony Danza. Just actual Tony Danza, teaching children. [Deadline]

Ohh, Walking Dead news! Our favorite show that we haven't seen yet has just cast The Shield actress Laurie Holden as a sniper lady. Frank Darabont, who's directing the show, previously worked with Holden on The Mist. Which, did you guys see that? Like the Director's Cut or whatever? Most hideously depressing ending ever. Pretty enjoyable movie up to that point and then you're just like... aww, farts. And I don't think "aww, farts" is the reaction they wanted. There'd better be no "aww, farts" in Walking Dead, Darabont. Ohhh, what about Outta the Coffin and Straight Boffin'? Wrong item, I know, but I'm really just trying to help Summit out. [THR]

Aha. Lindsay Lohan, the girl who used to live down the block but then just disappeared one day, has been cast as old-timey porn star Linda Lovelace in a period biopic. Lovelace is famous for her Oscar-winning (it turned local masturbator Oscar Dewberry into a lifelong fan) turn in Deep Throat. Bill Pullman is going to play Hugh Hefner. Confusingly, Bill Paxton will also be playing Hugh Hefner in the same movie. Or is Paxton playing Pullman playing Hefner? It's confusing. Anyway, good work Lindsay! Playing a porn star is certainly better than the alternative, which is actually being one. (Or marying Oscar Dewberry, who must be well into his 50s by now.) [Variety]

Charmer Joel McHale has landed a key role in What's Your Number?, a comedy about Anna Faris digging through her dense sexual history to find the one that got away. Presumably it'll be about two hours of film. The same movie about me would be 30 seconds long and have a completely depressing ending. Not exactly an aww, farts ending, but pretty close. Sigh. Joel, what's your number? [THR]