UK Election: What the Hell Happened?S

Well, Great Britain ("America 1.0") finally held its election last night, and it looks like they'll wind up with a hung Parliament, which means Thomas Jane will be made Prime Minister. Just kidding! But seriously, who won?

After months of halfhearted efforts to feel passionate about something, anything, the UK citizenry went to the polls on Thursday to choose their country's next government. Would they vote for the left-wing Labour Party, who ruined the economy and sent the country to Iraq? The conservative Tories, who would have ruined the economy even worse, but at least (maybe) wouldn't have sent them to Iraq? Or the Europhile Liberal Democrats, who would have literally forced everyone to use the Euro and speak French and use a bidet (probably)?

Turns out, none! Or, all! Unless something weird happens, no party will have a majority, even though the Conservatives picked up a ton of seats. This is a big disappointment for Tory leader David Cameron, who was supposed to lead his party into a brave new era of not being unlikeable rich people. But it's an even bigger disappointment for Nick Clegg, Britain's Barack Obama, who was not very much like Barack Obama to begin with, and is now even less like Barack Obama, since Barack Obama is known for winning. In fact, the only person who is maybe not that disappointed is Labour's Gordon Brown, except that it would only because his party didn't get as thoroughly owned as was expected, and besides, Gordon Brown just sort of seems like the kind of guy who is always disappointed.

So what next? No one knows! There are a couple options:

  • David Cameron could try to form a government with his plurality. He'd face a confidence vote early on, so he'd need the loose support of smaller parties—most likely the Unionists in Northern Ireland—to keep him in power.
  • Cameron could try and form an official coalition with the Liberal Democrats, giving Nick Clegg a place in his cabinet and ensuring a majority.
  • Gordon Brown could try to make a deal with the Lib Dems (and other parties like the Scottish National Party) to stay as PM.
  • Voldemort could seize power.

So far, no one is saying anything of substance. But pretty soon, Britain could have a brand new Prime Minister! How exciting for them! Or how exciting it would be, if any of the options were at all attractive!

[BBC; pic via Getty]