Step 1: Find a Hustler: This used to be a lot harder when you had to pick them up on the street or at a bar frequented by pretty young men and decidedly older gentlemen. But now we have a wonderful thing called the internet. Not only can you go to Lucien's favorite, Rentboy.com, there are also other sites like Classified Escorts and even the good old fashioned m4m section Craigslist. If what you want an easier (and cheaper) rub and tug massage, there's a slew of sites just for that. If you don't want to leave a trail on your laptop for your wife, girlfriend, personal assistant, or archbishop to discover and you're in (or visiting) a major city, check out the local gay publication. They usually have a bunch of escort ads in the back, so just call one of those and you'll be all set. (Warning: The pictures tend to be more outdated than the ones you'll find online.) Once you figured out how to find your man, selecting which one is up to you. Only you know what you like, so just go with your, um, gut.
Step 2: Make the Phone Call: Yes, the best way to contact your friend for the evening is by phone. Don't worry about the time of day, they'll always answer. Don't be so nervous that you don't get to ask all your questions. Make sure that they are available for the block of time you set aside for a "fireside chat," and that they're willing to do what you want to do. If you have any specific needs or fetishes (balloon popping, costume wearing, pie throwing, etc.) make sure they're into it. If not, got back to step one. Also, discuss price and make sure everyone knows the figure before he arrives. The going rate is about $300 "an hour," but we're sure that increases based on the service, location, extra added kinks, and other considerations—we know our rate does! Overnight or week-long travel, like Rekers arranged, will of course be a lot more expensive. If everyone is amenable to the terms, you are good to go.
Step 3: Shower: It's just common courtesy.
Step 4: Arrival and Payment: Have your hooker's fee ready, in cash, when he arrives and make sure it's displayed prominently on a table or shelf. Greet him and then get the business out of the way. Lay down what you expect to happen and then point him toward his moolah. Once that is out of the way, you both can pretend like it never happened—isn't that what a good escort will do anyway? Oh, don't forget to tip, but that can wait until after.
Step 5: Wear a Condom: These are professionals and they probably take their safety more seriously than the average drunk slut who is just giving it away for free and picking up people at bars. Still, for everyone's sake, be safe.
Step 6: Kick Him Out: The famous adage is that paying for sex is really just paying someone to leave. After giving your boy a tip, kick him out, but be nice about it. Don't try to save his soul like Rekers said he was going to do for Lucien. Don't try to enter into a relationship with him like Marc Jacobs did with his ex Jason Preston. Don't imprison him like Boy George did, because you will go to jail just like he did. Just set your boy free into the world. Make sure he doesn't take anything so he can come back and blackmail you.
Step 7: Give Him a Good Review: We know you review restaurants on Yelp! and the people who sell you things on eBay. If you found your main man online, then do the same and give him a positive review. That's going to make him money in the long run. Also, if you're a crazy, closet-case, anti-gay hypocrite, it will probably keep him from ratting you out and giving lots of interviews to the press about what you like in bed.