What You Eat Will Kill You Soon

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!

  • You know who is really into the whole fitness thing? Horses. They're getting acupuncture and hyperbaric chambers and telepathic healing, just so they can run and run and run. Is it any wonder so many Americans have sex with horses, what with their commitment to a healthy lifestyle?
  • Lettuce these days will give you E. coli but wouldn't you know it, everybody still wants to eat lettuce in their salads. Why not try an "American style" salad made with bacon bits, fried eggs, croutons, cheez, and Ranch dressing, for safety?
  • The widow of the cofounder of Cantor Fitzgerald is donating $20 million to create a "Men's Health Center" at a New York hospital. You still won't pay attention to your health, will you? She should have given $20 million to Men's Health magazine. At least Dave Zinczenko would use it to tighten up his abs, unlike some ungrateful men we could name.
  • Shut up, people talking about "food deserts," because some lady has proven that there is such a thing as a healthy "bodega diet." It consists of Sun Chips and tuna. Mmmm, bodega diet.
  • What are churches doing now? Opening fitness centers. The nerve of these Jesus people.
  • Across some places in England I've never heard of, "Nursery pupils are being banned from eating sweets and cake on their birthdays." That's good because, one, do these "nursery pupils" even have a job with which to earn money to buy these sweets, or a workout plan to sweat them off? And two, more cake for us, the grownups.
  • The LA Times likes to do a journalistic thing where they ask regular people about their terrible diets, and expose them as having terrible diets, haha. Today: a 29 year-old woman who probably eats pretty much just like you and me. She'll die from vitamin loss soon but guess what, the LA Times will die sooner.
  • [Pic: Flickr]