Gordon "Dreamweaver" Brown is resigning as Labour Party leader, and his replacement could very well be the next Prime Minister. So the question is: Why spell "Labour" with a "U"? No, wait. The question is: Who's his replacement?

Dour Scotsman "Bad, Bad" Gordon Brown traveled to Stonehenge today for a ritual druidic sacrifice, removing himself from power as the high priests of Britain removed his entrails from his body. Ha! Actually, he just said that he'd resign sometime in the next couple months, partly because the only person on the planet who still likes him is his wife, maybe, and partly because it's the only way for the Labour Party to stay in power (why they want to retain power, when they have had it for more than a decade and done nothing of worth with it, is another question altogether).

With "Downtown" Brown out of the picture, there's a possibility for a coalition government composed of Labour, Liberal Democrats, and some smaller left-wing parties like the Scottish National Party (in the U.S., this kind of loose alliance of vaguely "progressive" politicians is called "the Democratic Party"). And if such a coalition can be reached, it seems likely that whoever becomes the next leader of the Labour Party would also be Prime Minister. So who are the candidates?

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


David Miliband/"The Cute One"
Miliband, the current foreign secretary, is a protege of Tony Blair, which is apparently a good thing, and famous cursing-person Alastair Campbell nicknamed him "brains," due to his "brains." He's widely seen as the favorite, because putting an awkward nerd in charge of the Labour Party has worked out really well for them.

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Alan Johnson/"The Old One"
Home Secretary Johnson, maybe the last personable politician in the Labour Party, has been bandied about as a replacement for Brown before, possibly because no one actually thinks he would take the job. Also, he used to be a postman, so maybe he could "deliver" votes to Labour! Oh, who are we kidding.

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Ed Balls/"The One Who's Named Balls"
Balls, the schools secretary, is seen as Gordon Brown's protege, both because of his fierce loyalty to the Prime Minister, and also because he is almost as unlikeable. Again, just to be clear, his last name is "Balls."

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Ed Miliband/"The Other Miliband"
Ed, like his brother David, is the son of famous Marxist Ralph Miliband, which in America would lead to some kind of lynching party but in Britain is kind of boring and normal. You can tell them apart by the lock of grey hair on David's head, and by the fact that Ed is further to the left, and, frankly, is way more likable, not that the Labour Party cares if anyone likes their leaders.

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Harriet Harman/"The Chick"
Harman is the deputy leader, meaning that she would take Brown's place if he quit early (and we wouldn't blame him if he did). She's a strong coalition-builder, having maneuvered in the party to win her deputy-leader slot, not to mention the fact that "Harriet" is a nice name that you don't see much anymore.

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Harry Potter/"The British Joke"
Though technically not a real person, Potter is a wizard, and could theoretically use spells to figure out some kind of distinct policy position for Labour. He is also vastly more popular than any politician in Britain.

Britain's Next Prime Minister (Maybe): Johnson vs. BallsS


Barack Obama/"The American One"
I mean, come on.