Oh, the Byzantine mechanics these Upper East Side scamps employ to enact their social schemes. There was lying, cheating, and stealing last night, but all in the name of good. Actually, it was more in the name of stupid.

Seriously, all the conniving last night didn't make any sense at all. Jenny and Chuck figured out there was something fishy going on with Lily's cancer drug regimen prescribed by her Baldwin ex-husband William. They enlisted the help of Blair, who we have learned is the only person who can pull one of these plots off, and somehow Dan's chest hair and Nate's scraggly hairline got involved. We're not sure exactly what they were trying to accomplish, but it involved exposing the doctor who prescribed Lily's drugs and getting her to admit the truth. She also happened to be the same doctor that said Rufus slept with her, so that's a lot of Humphrey bashing for one lady. In the end they did successful foil evil Baldwin daddy William.

But his scam didn't make sense either. First of all, why is poisoning Lily to get with her and reunite with his family after being all Doctors Without Borders for all these years and not caring about them? Can we get a little motivation maybe? And if he was going to get evil doctor Holland to say that Rufus visited her Tunnel of Love, then why did she even try to seduce him for real? She was going to lie about it anyway, so why not just have her concoct a plausible lie without pimping her out to an aging rocker's love whims? And what was her motivation for doing any of this in the first place? And if he's so handsome and magical and good, why did he even need to scheme? Why not just show up and sweep Lily off her feet? This is more confounding than Serena's fashion choices.

All these Machiavellian miscues sure did a number on our power structure. Let's take a look at this week's tally.

Power Play: Has Polish mob connections: +2
Total: 2
Season to Date: 79
Power Position: Down

Fashion Points: Gets fashion advice from Serena. She might as well ask Vanessa where she gets her hair done: -1, Her cute black floral dress is divine: +1, Her brown dress at the gala looks like it was made out of soiled curtains from New Jersey Housewife Teresa Guidice's onyx palace: -1
Power Play: Can't be Affair to Remember-ed: +1
Quip: Re: Rufus getting laid, "I didn't even know they had groupies that old": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Never been on a date before: -1, Her Columbia rugby player boyfriend is totally doable (even though he loses fashion points for the grandpa sweater he stole from Nate): +2, Gets some free relationship counseling from evil doctor Holland: +1
Social Schemes: Blair is the only person on this show who can properly pull off a scheme: +3, Chuck knows this: +1, Turns down Chuck's offer to scheme for her date: +1, Nate and Dan also know she is the only real schemer: +1, Always has a plan C: +1, Her plan to catch William works: +2
Total: 12
Season to Date: 32
Power Position: Up

Fashion Points: No one wears a tux like Chuck Bass: +1
Power Play: Has his CSI drug team on the Lily case: +2, Bribes a pharmacist: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Will do anything to get Blair back: +2, Blair is going on a date: -1, He has kissed guys before. Every time this is mentioned it does unthinkable things to us: +2, Gets some free relationship counseling from evil doctor Holland: +1, Almost convinces Blair to come back: +1, And just as quickly gives her a stupid deadline about when his love will expire: -2, Please, the meet on top of the Empire State Building trick is so not Chuck Bass: -1
Social Schemes: Blair initially won't scheme with him: -1, His plan to catch William works: +2
Total: 7
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Down

Family Secrets: He loves Rufus and wants what's best for Lily. That's so sweet: +2, His mother is finally thinking about him for a change: +1
Power Play: Has no clue what is going on, as usual: -1, Serena orders him around: -2, The only one who actually seems to care whether or not Lily is actually sick: +3, Tells Jenny if she is so unhappy that she should take her sewing machine and go live under a bridge: +2
Social Schemes: Kids who have nothing to do with his family are scheming to save his mother and he's at home reading a book: -2
Total: 3
Season to Date: 6
Power Position: Down

Fashion Points: Great black and white dress at the gala for traveling to Palm Beach: +2
Personality Flaw: She must feel really stupid that she was being poisoned for months and had no idea: -2, And did she ever really have cancer at all?: -1
Power Play: Too weak to hear about her husband having an affair: -1, Finally, finally thinks about what is right for Eric: +3, She was too weak for affair talk but not to weak to go to some swanky party?: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Her man supposedly cheated on her: -1, Doesn't believe Rufus when he says he was faithful: -1, Rufus forgives her for not believing him: +1
Social Schemes: Has fooled her ex-husband into thinking she not only raised the kids, but that she raised them well: +2, A bunch of crazy kids proved that her ex was poisoning her and that her husband wasn't cheating on her: -2
WTF: Drinking too much apple juice is what made Serena a tart: -2
Total: -2
Season to Date: -5
Power Position: Down

Ragamuffin Jenny:
Fashion Points: Does her "young Morticia" look right with a glittery black number at the ball: +2
Personality Flaw: Even Serena thinks she is a drug fiend. That's like Whitney Houston telling you to lay off the crack: -1
Power Play: Grounded again: -2, "Grounded? I don't give a fuck about your stupid grounding. I'm outta here.": +2, Actually wants to live in Brooklyn again: -1, Not only did she leave the house grounded, she's hopping all over town, including attending a fancy ball: +3, Even her gay minion turned against her: -1, The only place left for her to turn is Chuck Bass' Runaway Teenager Sanctuary: -1
Sexual Intrigue: After all this, is she finally going to get to bone Nate?: +2
Social Schemes: Ruins Chuck's plea to recruit Blair just by being there: -1, Her only use in the whole scheme to take down William is to go and sniff out drugs: -2, Withholds the drug evidence to get what she wants: +1, Smart enough to know Blair will eventually stab her in the back: +1, The great plan survives, even though she kept the drugs: -2, Ruins the plan by telling William his jig is up: +2, Remember when Jenny almost got caught with drugs and just threw the pills all over the floor to keep her man from leaving? Do you remember how stupid that was? Equally stupid was telling everyone she informed William that the police were coming. However, this time it almost gets her what she wants: 0 (because we don't know how to even score a mind that does not function rationally)
WTF: Her father takes her phone. How can a teenage girl even survive without access to texting?: -3
Total: -1
Season to Date: -12
Power Position: Down

Power Play: Interrupts Blair's date: +1, Chuck calls him and Nate "mid-level": -1, Tries to convince Serena of the truth: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Had to fuck Vanessa in her dorm room because his Brooklyn Pussy Den is occupied by his dad and his sister: -2, Is Serena's shoulder to cry on: +2
Social Schemes: Participating for a change: +2, The plan to catch William and save his father's relationship works, even though he had very little to do with it: +1
Total: 4
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Down

Family Secrets: Finally, Nate's family connections come in useful: +2, Twice!: +1
Fashion Points: Do we love the manbangs or hate the manbangs? We can't remember, but he really needs to address his hairline issues. Maybe a Bieber?: -1
Power Play: Believes Rufus and not Holland: +1, Interrupts Blair's date: +1, Chuck calls him and Dan "mid-level": -1
Sexual Intrigue: Sticking up for Rufus is going to ruin his love life: -1, Serena is no longer taking his calls: -1, He's going to statutory rape Jenny, isn't he?: -3
Total: -2
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Power Play: Dan, Nate, and Eric are all pulling for him to stay with Lily: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Holland accuses him of visiting her Tunnel of Love: -2, Defends himself: +1, Lily and Serena don't believe him: -1, Holland clears his name, no thanks to him: +3, William is totally out of the picture: +1, Never once gives Lily an "I told you so": +2
Social Schemes: Ruins the entire plot to save his relationship by showing up to the party and taking Jenny home: -1
WTF: He goes to the UES to get Jenny's school books but then never brings them back. No wonder she's so dumb: -1, Is he ever going to realize that his grounded daughter is not at home where she's supposed to be and she's gallivanting all over town?: -2
Total: 1
Season to Date: 26
Power Position: Up

Power Play: It wasn't until the last scene when we realized that she wasn't even in this episode: -5
Total: -5
Season to Date: -31
Power Position: Down

WTF: Everything she did last night was totally wrong: believing Holland over Rufus, believing her father over her friends, telling Blair what to wear, being a whiny bitch, ignoring everyone's good advice to stay with her father, still loving her father after she found out he was poisoning her mother and lying to get into her good graces, the skanky gold dress from the ball that looked like she got it from a hooker at Studio 54, the "Where in the World Is Serena van der Woodsen?" hat and cape at the dock, the two ugly shearling coats, getting back together with Dan, and general suckitude. We're going to save ourselves the trouble and just give her: -15 (for the whole lot)
Total: -15
Season to Date: -59
Power Position: Down