Gay Men and Straight Girls' Private Parts: A Peace TreatyS

Miley Cyrus gave a 44-year-old gay director a lap dance. Isaac Mizrahi grabbed Scarlett Johansson's boob. Gay men and straight girls: Keep stray hands, butts, and body parts to yourselves. Just because there's no sexual tension doesn't mean it's OK.

Among the greatest pitfalls of the gay guy-straight girl friendship (right after the odious phrase "fag hag") is the notion that, because they do not want to fuck each other, gay men and straight women can violate each others' personal boundaries. It happens all the time. It is unwelcome.

Gay Men and Straight Girls' Private Parts: A Peace TreatyS

Straight girls, I don't care how many times you saw Megan Mullally squeeze Sean Hayes' ass on Will and Grace. Just because you're directing your skankadoodle energy at a man who will not take you up on the offer doesn't mean your skankiness does not count—or that he wants to be subjected to it. Do not touch gay acquaintances' butts. Do not grab their junk. Even if you have one of those relationships where nonsexual pawing is the norm, think of the innocent onlookers—think of the children, forced to flee the room with covered eyes when 16-year-old Miley bumped and grinded with 44-year-old Adam Shankman. Even if Miley and Adam knew nothing illegal was about to happen, it's still gross for the rest of the world to witness a child dirty dancing with a man old enough to be her father. Oh, who are we kidding, old enough to be her grandfather. She's a Cyrus, after all.

Gay guys, I don't care how curious you are about the strange orbs beneath my neck, the ones you never get to touch, and it's not fair, because straight guys get to, and so do lesbians! You may not think of my body parts sexually, but I do, and as long as they are attached to my body, nobody touches them but me, my doctor, and straight guys I want to fuck. (And, fine, a bi chick once, but that was only in college.) Even if you work in the fashion industry and are giving me advice about the bias cut of my dress, you may not touch my butt, stroke my thigh, or pinch the fat on my hip. Drunkenness is not an excuse. Not even if I'm at a gay bar. Gay or straight, if you grab a lady's boob without permission—or an underage girl's butt on the dance floor—you're a perv.

This is preschool stuff: Keep your hands to yourself. Sit on your chair, not upon a neighbor. Do not lift your skirt in front of boys. Do not show your wee-wee to the girls.

Previously: A Contract for the Gay Guy/Straight Girl Friendship
A Contract for the Gay Guy/Straight Guy Friendship