Cranapple StrawBlueBerry Mangolicious Juice Drinks Are Killing Our ChildrenS

Bullshit allergies! Rachael Ray eats in the cafeteria! Michelle Obama hates Happy Meals! Books are organic to eat! Dave Zinczenko does not speak English! It's your important Health Watch, where we watch your health—while sipping juice-like beverages!

  • Oh you have food allergies? No you don't. You disgust me.
  • When it comes to convincing our elected representatives to allocate a greater portion of their budget to improving the woeful nutritional state of school lunches, there's no better spokesperson than celeb chef Rachael Ray. "Hey Rachael Ray say wunna yer catchphrases then cook me a Dunkin Donut sammich you hot lil number" growl Congressmen, their mouths stuffed with pineapple ham and chocolate milk.
  • Michelle Obama and her special White House Task Force of Attractive People want junk food makers to voluntarily stop marketing their junk food to children, who always fall for it and then get obese. Yea sure easy for you to say Michelle Obama, with a personal chef, but what about the livelihood of Joe, the Arby's marketing guy, just trying to sell some curly fries and pay the mortgage? His wife's no glamorous "First Lady" but he loves her anyway, and that's how they do it in the real America, Michelle Obama.
  • Here's a review of three books about organic food. You know what they always say: If they write three books about it, it must be tasty (like John Adams, who has many books written about him).
  • Dave Zinczenko explains the problem with juice: "a lot of what food marketers try to sell us as 'juice' is about as healthy for you as, well, being chased down a highway in a white Ford Bronco." Dave, it's not just your abs that make you America's sweetheart—it's your way with metaphors.
[Pic via]