The André Leon Talley Report Card: A Final Judgment

During the two-hour season finale of America's Next Top Model last night, it didn't take long for Vogue's chief gay André Leon Talley to make up his mind who should win. We think he was the only victor.

Outfit: A brand new eggshell tunic.

Accessory: A simple silver chain with something attached to it which was placed on his shoulder. In our imagination, it was a monocle.

Education: Earlier in the episode he arrived with flowers to teach the girls all about his history working for Andy Warhol, making it big in fashion, the origin of "dreckitude," and how fabulous working at Vogue is.

Agreeableness: Didn't fight with a noted fashion photographer once, and was courteous to Mr. Jay when he asked him a question.

Uses of Dreckitude: Three during the judging panel, three in his little salon session with the girls earlier.

Grade: He has a sophisticating effect (or should we say affect?) on the girls, which they all desperately need. He made up his mind that Krista is going to win, and she didn't make it hard for him to persuade everyone of his case. For his sway, he gets a (B+).

Outfit: Scarlet cape that we've already seen.

Accessory: The standard-issue tusk-on-chain. Sorry, André, but both of Miss J's hats—especially the one with the solitary, enormous pimp feather at the runway show, outdid your tired old tusk.

Education: The difference between stallions and Clydesdales walking the runway. Can you guess which one Raina, the model he wants to lose, is?

Agreeableness: He barely acknowledges Miss J, the black queen he replaced (that had to be a tense meeting!) and he openly argues with a noted fashion photographer about his beloved Krista. However, he is the only one Tyra questions directly, which just goes to show whose opinion matters the most.

Uses of Dreckitude: Zero.

Grade: His girl Krista took the final crown, but she was truly the best of the bunch. However, he deserves a special commendation for knocking Raina down rather than building Krista up. We don't want to see praise, we want to see vicious criticism. Thanks for delivering. (A-)

Finale Grade: After some ups and downs, his final average is a solid (B).

We should celebrate, André. How about finally accepting our offer to go out to lunch? Or maybe you'd like to wait for the start of next season to publicize the show?