Why Is the White House Hiding Elena Kagan's Family?

The Times is reporting that journalists are being prevented from speaking with the family of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. Specifically, Times journalists. What is Obama hiding from the press? Come, join us in rampant speculation!

On Tuesday, The New York Times got all excited because Hunter College High School granted them permission to sit in on a constitutional law class taught by the brother of President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan (leave it to the Times to actually want to attend a con law class). But the White House stepped in and denied the request! Then, they called up Kagan's cousin Gail Katz-James, just to gab, and—you guessed it—denied!

What could Hussein Obam be hiding from the good people of America? We speculate:

  • Everyone in her family is a lesbian.
  • Her family is secretlyMuslim.
  • 9/11 is the Kagan family's fault.
  • Elena Kagan's family is the reason Casey James keeps coming back on American Idol.
  • BP is owned by Elena Kagan's niece.
  • Lost's final episode will be written by Elena Kagan's cousin.
  • Elena Kagan's mom is Michelle McGee.
  • Her family doesn't exist, because she is a robot. A Muslim robot.
  • The failed car-bomb SUV in Times Square belonged to her brother.
  • Kagan's dad canceled Ugly Betty.
  • Her family owns Barack Obama's original Kenyan birth certificate.
  • The Kagan family's real name is Kagan-Goldman. As in, Goldman Sachs.
  • Her cousin is the vice president of Letting the World Know About Your Business at Facebook.
  • The Kagan family wished Roger Ebert ill on Twitter. Muslim Twitter.
  • Elena Kagan's adopted cousin is the Hipster Grifter.
  • Something involving the Tonight Show—definitely the fault of the Kagans.
  • Arizona is made up of the Kagan family. The entire state.
  • Elena Kagan's dad wrote that article in Newsweek about gay acting.

Please leave any top-secret information you might have on the Kagan family's devious crimes in the comments. Just remember: You are being watched.

[Photo via Getty Images]