Union Square was needlessly shut down last night when a landscaper went to a Buzzcocks concert and left the gas cans he uses to fill lawn mowers in the backseat of his car. What other everyday devices are dangerous?
Coolers: Cops evacuated Times Square because someone left their cooler unattended. So keep your cooler at home. We know you're not really trying to take some beers to Central Park, you're trying to blow up the Time Warner Center, you America-hating bastard.
Fertilizer: Buying fertilizer, especially if you have brown skin is pretty much like strapping a bunch of dynamite under your trench coat and walking into the middle of Grand Central with a beeping clock. We all know that no one in New York has a fucking yard or house plants or anything, so if you buy fertilizer, you're asking for it and probably deserve to go to jail.
Shampoo: As the TSA has been telling us for awhile now, shampoo bottles are no longer for shampoo. They are carrying cases for horrible chemical weapons, biological agents, and like melted down C-4 plastic explosives or some shit. If you have a bottle of shampoo bigger than one of those tiny vodka bottles you buy on the plane, people are going to assume you're there to blow something up. Especially if you have shitty hair.
White Powder: There is only one way to carry white powder, in a small baggie in your pocket/wallet/bra like Lindsay Lohan does. Otherwise it is anthrax and you are going to home to send poisoned letters to: Barack Hussein Obama, The White House, U.S.A.
Shoes: People keep trying to blow up their shoes on airplanes. That means every loafer, lace-up, stiletto, pump, and Croc is suspect (Crocs for more than one reason). The worst offenders are the shoes that kids wear that light up when they step. You can use that wiring to make a bomb! Oh, or what about those sneakers with the hidden wheel inside that kids like to roll around on. If you can hide a wheel in there, what else can you hide? Probably blueprints of the Statue of Liberty, so you can use your innocent child as an accomplice in your terrorist plot to rid the world of a treasured landmark. If we're not all wearing government-issue see-through sandals by 2013, then the world is unsafe.
A Dog: Fido is not man's best friend anymore. He is an active participant in ending freedom! Pretty soon, the terrorists are going to be strapping bombs to them and using them to attack anyone who stands up for free speech. You better get some of those doggie pee pads, because if you walk your pooch in public and it's not a German Shepherd and you're not wearing a police uniform, pretty soon you'll be handed a one-way ticket to prison.
Umbrellas: If it is sunny outside and you are carrying an umbrella, you are clearly like third in command at Al-Kay-Duh. Under that little nylon sheath is a high-tech detonator or maybe a way to smuggle out our nuclear launch codes after you pilfered them from the "football." (We learned about that on 24!). So, yes, it's not in the public safety to be carrying an umbrella on nice days. After all, only terrorists don't watch the weather.