The Week We Played Softball

Let's take a look back at the Gawker week that was. May 9-14: one of the lesbianiest, softballingest weeks on record.

This week Barack Obama gifted upon the world Elena Kagan, who will maybe be our next Jewish Supreme Court justice. Obviously the most important thing to know about a Supreme Court Jewstice is: is that lady gay? She plays softball and rides trolleys, so yeah, probably. But wait. Her old friends, plus Eliot Spitzer because why not, say she's not gay. So who knows! And hey, does softball really make you gay anyway? So nobody knows if she is gay or not, and even more nobody knows anything about her political views, but who cares about those. One thing we can be certain of? This other lady is geigh.

Because Obama and His Lesbian are working hard to create an urban elitist utopia, all the rich folks are moving out of the suburbs. And some other people are moving to Hawaii. Where will you live?

You know who are too grabby? Straight ladies. (Also gay men.) Maybe Facebook can figure out what makes them that way. You know what else the internet is good for? Getting drunk by yourself on vodka shots and then Twitter-teasing Roger Ebert's cancer because you don't like it when he makes fun of Noah's Ark, an entirely true story. Oh you can also blog about your awful divorce on the internet and become a terrible internet meme.

Speaking of computers, Conan said some funny things at Google. This guy from Alabama said funny things about evolution (it's not real!), and this guy says funny things about everything, always. This Facebook PR man is saying sad things about his job.

Are you a terrorist? A creepy Russian sugar daddy? (If you are, you will live longer.) Or are you just an Argentine secret lover? No matter who you are, I think we can all agree that, yes, all the attention will ruin Jersey Shore. At least we have consensus on that.

Sarah Palin has a new book, and so does Tyra. We do not have a book, so we just write TV recaps. So many recaps. Oh and while we're on the topic of TV, someone killed Law & Order. But who??? Whoever it was, we are sad.

At the end of the week, we hope that, if nothing else, you are happy about your name. We know we are.

That's it. Enjoy the weekend.