BP have tried everything from hats to golf balls to try and stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Know what they didn't think of? Kevin Costner. Who may actually save the ocean like a real-life action hero.

Kevin Costner has a machine that turns oil into water. And also probably a really sharp Samurai sword that he has left over from the Bodyguard. But that's not important right now. Because right now, he is in New Orleans, and the oil/water technology his company has developed is being taken seriously as part of efforts to clean up the Gulf oil spill. He knew that if he built the machine, they would come.

They have tried non-celebrities. They should now leave it to celebrities:

  • Justin Bieber could summon and concentrate the sexual energy of world's teenagers through baby soft, porcelain white hands, then simply wave the spill away.
  • Lady Gaga would somehow, improbably, awesomely, wear it.
  • Arlen Specter would first fight it. Then join it. Then drown in it, defeated.
  • Rielle Hunter could help it to become what it was meant to be. Also, bang it. Bang it hard.
  • Sarah Palin could persuade it to quit and go on a lucrative lecture tour about its efforts to clean up the oceans.
  • Everyone else: Blow it up, and just walk away without looking.