Maybe you remember Alabama gubernatorial candidate Tim James' flag-waving "We Speak English" ad. This spot from Republican Alabama Agricultural Commissioner candidate Dale Peterson makes James look like a gay Commie terrorist. Dramatic music! Guns! Horses! Drawling! God Bless America.

The ad opens with a shot of Peterson's dog tags and Marines badge superimposed on the Constitution. I mean, what!? Was Peterson looking at the original copy of the Constitution at the National Archives and just happened to leave his dog tags lying on top of it? Maybe he uses replicas as placemats, and he uses his dog tags as spoons. Regardless, this image shows that Dale Peterson is the most American of all Americans: He has his Fourth of July barbecue on top of Mount Rushmore while lighting off fireworks with the bloody clothes of terrorists he killed with his bare hands and writing all-caps letters to members of congress reminding them about the Americans who are still missing in Vietnam.

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Peterson then declares that the "thugs and criminals" who currently run the Alabama Agricultural Commision "don't give a rip" about the people of Alabama as the soundtrack to Braveheart or something swells in the background. Peterson accuses his opponents of "stealing yard signs in the dark of night" from his supporters, and then says, "We're Republicans, we should be better than this." He hoists a rifle into frame, and leads his horse away, presumably to shoot the people stealing his yard signs in the buttocks.

What is it with Alabama politicians? (Commenter Artie Fufkin points out that there is also a candidate for Alabama treasurer named "Young Boozer")