Are You Ready For 2000% More Starbucks?

You there, citizen: is that coffee in your hand a Starbucks™ brand coffee? There is a 95% likelihood that it is not. That is unacceptable. Fear not; Starbucks™ brand coffee will soon be even more ubiquitous. More Starbucks. More!

If you are a citizen of non-poor urban America—or suburban America, or semi-rural America, or any portion of America boasting a collection of retail establishments—you may be under the impression that Starbucks™ brand coffee is fucking everywhere. Sure, it's everywhere outside. But what about in your office, and in your car, and in your very home?

Despite a seemingly ubiquitous presence with 11,000 coffeehouses, Starbucks estimates that it holds less than 5% of the brewed-coffee market in the U.S...Even Starbucks' most loyal customers consume only three of every 10 cups they drink in Starbucks stores, and since there are about 40 billion servings of coffee sold in the U.S. every year, that leaves Starbucks plenty of cups to conquer.

Are you, the consumer, connecting the Starbucks™ brand dots? This is why Starbucks is so fervently pursuing the hobo portion of the coffee market. Not out of any special affinity for you and your declassé preference for low-grade caffeinated swill; but because the Starbucks company must diversify its branding in order to conceal the fact that the "Seattle's Best" you drink at Burger King and the "Via" instant shit you drink at work are all products of the same evil Starbucks™ brand mothership. Because in order to fulfill the Starbucks™ brand destiny, the company must get 20 times bigger.

Carry on with your normal activities. There is nothing to see here.
[Ad Age. Pic via]