Eat Dirt, Cut Calories, Live Long, Die HappyS

Email fitness! Dirt babies! Hamburger guilt! Asthma fat! Calorie cuts! Happy longevity! It's your Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating 100-calorie Twinkies, which are good, but small!

  • Scientists say that "social support," including emails and telephone calls from friends, can make people go out and exercise more. "Hey, this is your friend, go exercise or I'll beat you up." It really works!
  • Is dirt a good thing for babies? Sure, say scientists. Go ahead and feed your baby some dirt. [Pause]. HAHAHA. I can't believe you actually did it! No but seriously, it's fine.
  • Although bacon and sausage will surely kill you, it turns out that non-processed meat like steak and hamburger has a much lower heart risk. So go ahead, have that "Guilt-Free Hamburger." Yea, guilt-free except for what it did to the poor cow.
  • Uh oh, "High fat meals not advised for asthmatics." Instead, try asthma medication.
  • A group of the nation's largest food manufacturers have pledged to cut 1.5 trillion calories out of their products by 2015. In return, Americans have pledged to eat 1.5 trillion more calories worth of low-cal Snak Pax. Kidding! The cuts add up to about 1/730th of the 1,095,000,000,000,000 calories Americans would consume in the next five years if they all stuck to 2,000 calorie daily diets.
  • Stress levels go down and happiness rises after the age of 50. If you make it that far.