It's election day! And as we all know, elections are about voting out politicians who we hate—especially this year, when a bunch of "establishment" candidates could lose. Let us help you figure out who you should hate today.
Something is happening in this country today: Can you feel it? It is called "democracy," and it is the only good thing left now that we don't have a Gulf of Mexico anymore. Americans love democracy, because it's our traditional method of letting politicians know how much we hate them. And today, voters in Arkansas, Pennsylvania and Kentucky will be letting some of their least-favorite politicians know exactly how much they are hated, though the technique of not voting for them.
It used to be, we hated politicians for things like "being corrupt" or "taking away our guns" or "aborting a baby." But now we just hate them for being "incumbents," and being alive, and living in Washington, D.C., while we are unemployed, and covered in oil, and living in a Radio Shack bathroom. So even if you can't vote today, take some pleasure in the fact that your own personal hatred is being channeled through the votes of others. Even if they are voting for someone you also hate.
We've spotlighted some of the funnest races to watch tonight, so that you too can feel the hate surging through your body. Here is our handy guide to Today's Most-Hated Politicians:
Democratic Senate Primary
Most-Hated Candidate: Arlen Specter
Why Do You Hate Arlen Specter? The guy used to be a Republican. Sure, he supported the public option, but can't you still smell the stench of limited government on him? Plus, he has been a senator since William Penn founded Pennsylvania.
Candidate Who You Will Hold Your Nose and Vote For: Joe Sestak
Why You Will Soon Hate Joe Sestak: You love this guy now, what with his MoveOn-dot-coms and his liberal energy. But soon you will not, because is mostly just like Arlen Specter, except not actually Arlen Specter.
Special House Election
Most-Hated Former Candidate: The late Democratic congressman Jack Murtha
Why Do You Hate Jack Murtha? For dying and making us vote in a special election.
Candidate Who You Will Hold Your Nose and Vote For: Mark Critz
Why You Will Soon Hate Mark Critz: Mark Critz's awesome campaign ad: "I opposed the health care bill. And I'm pro-life, and pro-gun. That's not liberal."
Democratic Senate Primary
Most-Hated Candidate: Blanche Lincoln
Why Do You Hate Blanche Lincoln? I mean, where do we even start with this one? Possible, you hate her due to her delightful support for loan sharks, or her utter hatred for the actual Democratic party platform. Or maybe you hate her because her recent do-goodery on the financial reform bill hides the fact that she is the all-time most-useless Democratic senator. Either way, you hate her.
Candidate Who You Will Hold Your Nose and Vote For: Lt. Gov Bill Halter
Why You Will Soon Hate Bill Halter: Well, probably you will hate him pretty soon because he will lose in an Arkansas general election. But it's not like he'll cost the Democrats a vote!
Republican Senate Primary
Most-Hated Candidate: Trey Grayson
Why Do You Hate Trey Grayson? You hate him because he is not the son of Superhero/Possible Elder God Congressman Ron Paul, the Last True Constitutional Scholar, and therefore is hoping to murder us all using FEMA chemtrails.
Candidate Who You Will Hold Your Nose and Vote For: Dr. Rand Paul, who is a doctor of eyes and the gold standard.
Why You Will Soon Hate Rand Paul: You are one of those people, in the Rush t-shirt, who wants to blow up the Federal Reserve? You will hate Rand Paul because he is a "real" Republican, who is against the abortions and so forth, instead of a "fun" Republican like his dad, who is not sure why we can't go back to mercantilism.
Republican Governor's Primary
Most-Hated Candidate: The Los Angeles Lakers
Why Do You Hate the Los Angeles Lakers? For ripping out Portland's collective heart in 2000 by beating the Trailblazers in a seven-game playoff series.
Candidate Who You Will Hold Your Nose and Vote For: Former NBA player Chris Dudley, who as governor will rebalance the state's basketball karma.
Why You Will Soon Hate Chris Dudley: I mean, did you ever see the guy shoot?
So there you have it. Can't wait to vote all of the new people out of office in a few years.
[Pics via Getty, AP]