Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

The cliffhangers on last night's season finale of Gossip Girl were almost enough to get you to tune in next year, weren't they? But before we get to resolution in the future, let's find some closure with the past.

Last night was a humdinger! Georgina is pregnant with Dan's baby (yeah, right), Jenny is shipped off to God knows where with her delinquent mother, Serena is off to buy even more bad clothes in Paris, Chuck Bass (like so many semester abroad art students before him) was shot in a Czech alleyway. What is going to happen? We have no idea (other than the baby is someone else's, Jenny will come back a changed girl, Serena will still be a skank, and Chuck will survive). So, let's talk about the texts sent, the outfits worn, and the plots spun by our riotous little gang of privileged snotbags and see who winds up with the most power for the year.

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Dorota:
Family Secrets: Her daughter has some rich godparents: +2
Fashion Points: Cute maternity jacket: +1
Mazel Tov: It's a girl!: +3
Power Play: Too pregnant to do her job: -1, Is good friends with Chuck on Facebook (us too!): +1, Even kids who don't really know her that well are coming to visit her in the hospital: +1
Social Schemes: Always knows what's best for Miss Blair: +2, Dismisses Blair from her birth to go meet chuck: +1
Total: 10
Season to Date: 89
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Blair:
Fashion Points: Adorable coat thing with no sleeves: +1, Matching lime green bag: +1, Dresses like Madeline for her trip to Paris: -1
Personality Flaw: Doesn't see how anyone can love Vanessa: +1, Says she'll miss Dan on her trip. Um, doesn't she hate Dan?: -1
Power Play: Does Dorota's job. She's not the help: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck has her on edge: -1, Has a date with the Columbia hottie and totally seems to misplace him and he is never heard from again: -2, Goes to Chuck's stupid Empire State building nonsense, and he's gone: -1, Doesn't smell the Jenny sauce all over Chuck when she arrives at his apartment: -1
Social Schemes: Gets to give little J the verbal smackdown: +1, Disses Georgina: +1, Banishes Jenny for all eternity: +4
WTF: Off to Paris: +2, With Serena: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: 32
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Chuck:
Fashion Points: There is a portrait of Rachel Zoe over the bed in his hotel: -2, Purple robe: +1
Personality Flaw: Gets clocked by Dan Humphrey: -2
Power Play: Thinks it's a good idea to get Jenny drunk: -1, Gets shot alone in a Czech alleyway: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Not patient enough to wait an extra 30 minutes for Blair to show up: -2, Statutory rapes Jenny: -5, She's nice enough to get out of his way when Blair shows up: +2, His proposal to Blair gets ruined by Dan and Jenny: -1, Even Eastern European hookers are running away from him now: -1
Social Schemes: Disses Georgina: +1
Total: -14
Season to Date: 13
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Eric:
Family Secrets: Can do without Jenny being part of his family: +1
Fashion Points: Congrats, Nate officially has the worst boy hair on the show: +1
Power Play: Is still a good friend to Jenny, even after she said she didn't want to be in his family: +2, Gets Dan to come to Jenny's rescue: +2, Now that Jenny's gone, he has no friends: -1
Total: 5
Season to Date: 11
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Now that she is rid of her cancer, she has absolutely nothing to contribute: -1
Power Play: Serena doesn't even ask permission or tell her she is leaving to go to Paris for the summer: -1
WTF: Is giving Rufus parenting advice. That's like Hannibal Lecter teaching a cooking class: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Dan:
Family Secrets: Finally steps up as a big brother and defends the tiny bit of honor Jenny has left: +1
Fashion Points: Chest hair and tank top. Yum: +2
Personality Flaw: A big fan of babies: -1
Power Play: Tells his father that Jenny is out of control: +1, Decks Chuck: +2, He and Nate decide their feud like gentlemen: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is happy with Vanessa: -3, Nate fucks up his relationship: 0 (because we really want Vanessa to dump him and stay in Haiti forever), Is about to leave Vanessa to go after Serena again: +3 Knocked up Georgina: -4
Social Schemes: Convinces Blair to go meet Chuck: +2, Forces Chuck to tell Blair about statutory raping Jenny: +2
Total: 7
Season to Date: -15
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Exile Jenny:
Bonus: For leaving us all alone: +5
Fashion Points: Crying raccoon eye mess: -1, Leaves Chuck's house wearing two different shoes: -2
Personality Flaw: Rents New Moon on hotel pay-per-view: -1
Power Play: Has managed to alienate her father, brother, step-sister, step-brother/best friend/gay minion, the meanest bitch in town, and whatever mythical creature Nate is: -5, Rufus sends her away: -2, We don't have to deal with her for a bit next season: +3, Her step-brother/best friend/gay minion forgives her: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Agrees to have sex with Chuck: -3, Thinks that her first time should be special. Oh, silly Jenny. The first time is never special: -2, Chuck denies she's there after he has sex with her: -2
Social Schemes: Sends a picture of Dan and Serena to Gossip Girl: +4, Puts out the candle in the bedroom so that she doesn't ruin Chuck's relationship with Blair: +2, Blair banishes her for all eternity: -3
WTF: Apparently has the super-human ability to teleport. How else did she get out of Chuck's bedroom?: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -17
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Vanessa:
Power Play: Managed to be a force in the episode without ever appearing: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Dumps Dan from Haiti: +2
WTF: She's still gone!: +5
Total: 9
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Nate:
Fashion Points: Now beats Eric for the worst boy hair on the show: -1
Personality Flaw: Snores: -1
Power Play: Stuck listening to Jenny complain about her petty problems: -1, He and Dan decide their feud like gentlemen: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Gets all pissy with Serena about spending the night with Dan, but never tells him about his Platonic sleepover with Jenny: -2, Forgives Serena for making out with Dan: +1, She dumps him anyway: -2, He says he's not waiting for her: +2, Has Chuck's little black book: +3, Finds the ugliest hookers in it: -2
Social Schemes: Sends Vanessa the photo of Dan and Serena: +3
Total: 2
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Up

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Rufus:
Fashion Points: Serena gets her boob cooties on his Lincoln Hawk T-Shirt: -1
Personality Flaw: Always trying to feed people at the worst possible moment: -2
Power Play: Worries about Jenny being crazy, so he sends her, unaccompanied, to Brooklyn to spend the night alone. Of course she ends up spending the night in the company of two teen-aged horndogs: -3, Reads Gossip Girl: +1, Finally sends Jenny away: +3, Did he entirely miss the fact that his daughter was statutory raped by Chuck? Did he not figure this out or did he realize and not do anything? We don't know which is worse: -4
Total: -6
Season to Date: -32
Power Position: Down

Gossip Girl: Dead Man's Party

Serena:
Fashion Points: Looks messier in her real outfit than whatever she rolled out of Dan's bed wearing: -1, Sorry, Serena, hats just aren't your thing: -1, Got her blue top from the JWOWW Collection for Steve & Barry's: -2, We love her big, chunky, leaves-and-twigs necklace: +1, On second thought, we hate it: -1, No, it's kind of cool: +1, Oh, now we hate it again: -1
Personality Flaw: Her whole life is like summer vacation: +2, The only thing she is excited about buying in Paris is lingerie: -1
Power Play: Admits to being friends with Vanessa: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Nate forgives her for making out with Dan: +1, She tells him she wants a break anyway: +3, He's not waiting for her: -1
Social Schemes: Knows that Jenny is the one who sent the photo of her and Dan to Gossip Girl: +2
Total: 1
Season to Date: -58
Power Position: Up