The Way We Live Now: Like newborn nationalists. Forsake the trap of globalization, quick! Trust not in the shifty promises of the inscrutable Chinee, nor in the Indian, nor in the deceptively stout German. USA, we keep our profits here!

Yes, there was a time when it was fashionable to speak of "globalization" and "open borders" and "international trade" as if those things had something to offer the average American citizen, or at least the average American Wall Street investor. But wake up, Americans: there is nothing to be gained out there beyond our borders. Chinese stocks have dropped all their gains from last year. India is a mere dumping ground for our electronic waste products. And Germany is smiling in our face at the Mercedes dealership, and then turning around and demanding that Google hand over our private data.

Would a real friend do that?

Nay. Here in a proud once-rich nation I like to call America, we know how to keep American money for Americans: by keeping it (the money). What does that mean as we speak in practicalities? That means allowing our private equity entrepreneurs to keep their entrepreneurial income safe from the grasp of the grasping tax man. That means doing everything we can do to ensure the corporate profits continue rolling in, by spending our last consumer dimes at good American retailers, from Saks to Wal-Mart. That means forsaking superfluous pleasures like state parks, except for the ones that feature gambling.

[Pounding table, patriotically]

My fellow Americans, this is what we must do today: unite in our unquestioning hatred of the rest of the world. Particularly Canada, which is claiming out loud that "the global economic recovery is in a fragile state." Sure probably for you, maple-suckers. This is America. The only thing in a fragile state here is... our compassion. For losers. (Like you, if you're a foreigner).

[Pic via]