Paris Hilton Loses Her Passport, and Other Small DisastersS

A misplaced passport nearly kept Paris Hilton from Cannes. John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting. Sharon Stone regrets looking "like a trout." Heidi Montag's father "fears for her life." Wednesday's gossip will get you through the week.

  • The sky clouded over and an angry god dropped lightning bolts from the sky. Paris Hilton was en route to Cannes, but she forgot her passport. She was in Madrid when it happened (how did she get that far?) and had to "turn around and get another flight," according to sister Nicky, according to some random who overheard her. ($10 says Page Six saw it on a Facebook wall.) Then the sky cleared and sun beams danced across the Riviera—little Paris' new flight arrived just in time. She stepped off the plane and began to gyrate. The party came to her—Salma Hayek, Harvey Weinstein, Cuba Gooding Jr.—everyone was there, dancing and laughing. I'm so glad I bribed God on his birthday, thought Paris. This party is awesome. [P6, image via Splash]

  • John Travolta and 47-year-old wife Kelly Preston are expecting a child. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are firing up the ol' stadium of Scientology womb slaves for a Handmaid's Tale-like delivery as we speak. [Us, image via X-17 Agency]

  • Sharon Stone regrets her brief, trainwreck flirtation with lip injectables: "What the hell?" she says she asked when she saw the plastic surgeon's results, which looked "like a trout." At least she's not body dysmorphic? [Us]

  • Robert Pattinson "doesn't understand girls" says Twilight costar Ashley Greene. "He's really attractive, but that chemistry wasn't there." She's trying to out Sparkles McVampire! Look out, bitch. Kristen Stewart is Sparkles' beard (unless he's hers?) and she has a garlic-laced wooden stake with your name on it. [People]

  • Heidi Montag's dad is "afraid for her life" because he hasn't heard from her since March and Spencer owns a gun. [Star]

  • Lindsay Lohan got good grades in DUI class. Everyone says she's going to jail for playing hooky and going to Cannes, but maybe all those A's will be a "get out of jail free" card? [People]

  • Speaking of LiLo, she is not banging the hot lesbian cougar everyone thought she was. She might want to consider it, though. Look how hot they are. [Us, DailyMail, image via Splash]

  • Paris Hilton Loses Her Passport, and Other Small DisastersS
  • Floyd Mayweather Jr. eats his steak welldone and smothered in A-1 sauce, which the champion boxer brings with him to fancy restaurants, just like in the ads. A-1, give this man an endorsement already. [P6]

  • Kendra Wilkinson is poised to make $3 million from the sex tape she's fighting to stop. And that doesn't even count the side benefits, like her TV show's newfound relevance. [NBN third item]

  • Jennifer Aniston has a new campaign for SmartWater, official sponsor of anorexic yoga fanatics worldwide. She shows her abs and looks dewy. [DailyMail]

  • Paris Hilton Loses Her Passport, and Other Small DisastersS
  • Bret Michaels told Oprah he was ready to die after his brain hemorrhage. "I said, 'if I'm going out, I want to go out rockin'," and insisted on wearing his signature bandana through his hospital stay. His forehead must get to greasy. [People]

  • Jay-Z called Kelsey Grammer "Chelsea" onstage in front of a crowd. That's what happens when you give your son a girl name. If you respect your child's ability to be rapped about, stick to gendered nomenclature. [P6]