You'll Finally Get a Dollar, Just Before You DieS

The Way We Live Now: Engendering hopelessness in our best and brightest. Our youngest and strongest and most optimistic job candidates are the ones we crush first. Then the children. Then we give everything to the old, who soon croak.

Here is how our plan—instituted simply for the pleasure of the "haves," as is every aspect of our national political economy—unfolds. We encourage everyone to go into debt in order to get a degree, assuring them that they'll always have teaching to fall back on. Then we eliminate all of the teaching jobs. And watch them squirm! We pay lip service to gender equality, while secretly sending cues to men and women that their self-worth is based on their employment—then we start a gender war based on who's employed the most! We don't give the poors healthcare, and then we engineer our food system so soda is the cheapest form of sustenance. We make the tax code ever more complicated, then we shut down all the H&R Blocks.

We make Goldman Sachs the most powerful thing anywhere, and who knows what the fuck is going on over there?

And finally, once we've depressed the youth, angered the sexes, sickened the poor, and indebted the nation, what do we do with the hordes of surplus monies we've accumulated, for laffs? We give $10 million to an 80 year-old grandma, who's sure to blow it all on bingo and slots in one of our many casinos, anyhow.

It was worth it to hit her with that bus. The joys of wealth!

[Pic: Shutterstock]