Drunks Are Healthier Than Sober People, Wine-Guzzling Parisian Scientists Desperately ClaimS

"Drunks" might be harsh. But of 150,000 people studied by the Public Assistance Hospitals of Paris, the people who drank three glasses of wine a day tended to be healthier. Because, Dr. Pierre Le Wiiiine claims, they're socially happier.

Let's see what the Daily Mail tells us about this really-really-hope-it's-true study:

The analysis showed those who drank moderately were more likely to have lower cardiovascular disease risk, heart rate, stress, depression and body mass index.

They also scored higher on health measures such as respiratory function and physical activity.

Among women, similar trends were seen in moderate drinkers who had lower blood pressure and waist circumference, according to the findings published in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

Study author Dr Boris Hansel, said: 'Importantly, the findings showed moderate alcohol consumption is a powerful general indicator of optimal social status and this could be a key reason for improved health in these subjects.'

Aha! So us going out and spending our paychecks on delicious, beautiful wines every night with our wino friends makes us more social, which makes us better. This totally sounds plausible. But, oh, wait.

those who enjoyed three glasses of wine a day tended to take more exercise

Um... Who the fuck are these Parisian people who are drinking and exercising? How are you more likely to exercise after a night of drinking? It is the guilt? Oh, yeah, totally it's the guilt. Well, silly French people, that's not hard to work past. Just order some fried food, sink back onto the couch, and watch, uh, the third season of Friends or whatever just started airing over there. We've been successfully doing this for years.

What's that? You'd rather go bicycling? Well fine, buzz off, Frenchy.

Man, they really are better than us, huh?