Happy 'We Can Arrest Lindsay Lohan, Now' Day

Lindsay's alcohol education deadline is up, and she's three classes behind and in Cannes. The Jonas Brothers get trapped in an elevator and escape only because they are thin. Courtney Love had sex with Kate Moss. Thursday's gossip has arrived.

  • So, is Lindsay Lohan going to jail now, or what? She was supposed to be done with her alcohol education classes today, but she has three left and is partying in Cannes. She's skipping a probation hearing today because "her passport was stolen" (but she hasn't applied for a new one?) and the district attorney wants to arrest her. LiLi has a long list of people to blame for this failure: Object of blame #1: Her alcohol ed instructor, who Lindsay says made her "uncomfortable" by "texting that she wanted to hang out with her." Object of blame #2: Her judge, who Lindsay "thinks is so mean.... I mean, who the hell does that judge think she is, demanding people to show up at 8:30 in the morning? It's not like Lindsay isn't busy. She's an international movie star." I'd say that anonymous quote is fake, but maybe Dina was in a chatty mood? [TMZ, Radar, TMZ, NBN second item, image via Splash]

  • The Jonas Brothers got stuck in an elevator for an hour after a concert at the Grove in L.A. "For the first 15 minutes they thought it was funny, but after 30 they started to worry.... Security guards finally managed to pry open the doors. The elevator was between floors. The brothers are skinny and easily squeezed out, but it was tougher for their giant bodyguard." Survival of the twinkiest. [P6]

  • Courtney Love likes to brag about a lesbian fling with a supermodel, and someone finally got her to spill a name: "It was Kate Moss. She doesn't care." That second sentence is sort of loaded. [HotPress]

  • A high-profile ex-Scientologist says the Travoltas' new kid is supposed to be a reborn Jett Travolta, their 16-year-old autistic son who died last year: "The whole ethos of Scientology is that we come back. With Sea Org [the sect's upper echelon], they ask members to sign billion-year contracts. Their motto is 'We Come Back.'" I find Scientologists creepy as the next person, but this strikes me as heartless speculation. [P6]

  • Scarlett Johansson is a big sister: Her preternaturally young-looking mother adopted a baby girl from Ethiopia. Now ScarJo is a middle child. [Us]

  • Like the witch of the West, P. Diddy melts when he gets wet, which is why, on a recent rainy day, his "handlers" had to clear all cars in front of the Little Italy club he was going to, so he could exit his car and stroll under the awning straight into the party, dry. Bratty, yes, but if you have the power to do that? You totally would. Umbrellas are a pain. [P6]

  • Miley Cyrus is poisoning the children of America. A line of jewelry she sells at Wal-mart is laced with toxic cadmium. [NYDN]

  • Speaking of Miley, Sarah McLachlan wanted her to perform at Lillith Fair, which is apparently no longer the bastion of patchouli-scented hippie ladies, but an outlet for Rihanna, Ke$ha, and Selena Gomez. Miley Cyrus said no because she's too busy. [E!]

  • The most insufferably European couple in the world is ready to go public: French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy has finally acknowledged he's dating Daphne Guinness, the couture-wearing crazy cat lady of British heiresses. Levy's been "dragging his feet" leaving his third wife for Daphne, which is even more insufferably European, somehow. [P6]

  • Nicolas Cage only eats animals whose sex lives he respect, favoring fish and birds for being "very dignified in sex." These wreaks of a fake interview, but the concept is so inspired, I will provide the link anyway. [Sun]

  • Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper are "taking a break." She's going to be catnip in the Hollywood singles market. [People]

  • Sports Illustrated swimsuit photographer Raphael Mazzucco is working on a book called Culo, "a collection of the behinds of the world's hottest models." Which will be fun to look at, but, um, kind of rude? [P6]

  • Turns out Terrence Howard "quietly wed" his commercial producer girlfriend Michelle Ghent-Howard in January. Mazel tov, belatedly. [Us]