The Week We Lied

Let's take a look back at the week that was, May 16-May 21. It was a week of joys, sadnesses, deaths, and, mostly, dirty lies.

This week we met The Harvard Faker, a young man with a knotty history and a completely ridiculous resume. Everyone believed his weirdo lies, even though nobody believes anything anymore. He was that good!

Someone wants to buy the Perezzzzz Hilton website for twenty million dollars. Eighteen million of that goes toward semen cleanup, though. Cleanup with poisonous materials. Hey, speaking of money and annoying companies and stuff, who's going to save American Apparel? Nobody knows. Maybe Rand Paul? Who is Rand Paul, anyway?

Facebook is an evil company made of old whirring machines some Harvard boys found in the Pennypacker basement after pennypacking each other (they also call it "Hurlbutting") that knows everything about you. They even know who you gon' fuck. Hey don't say that last sentence out loud. You could lose your job.

Guides! Who doesn't love 'em? There are guides to how to ride the trolley train and guides to how to be a tourist. And for special days like today when the bossman is out, there are guides to that.

Politics! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Here are some politics jerks. Here are some politics losers. And here is a politics post about politics. Politics!

Hey nerdlingers, don't go thinking the Lost people owe you anything. They don't owe you shit. You know who is owed something, maybe? Poster Boy. He's owed an apology. Again, maybe.

Despite wearing robes and mortarboards and talking to owls all the time, area socialite Olivia Palermo just can't do college. You know who should not be allowed within fifteen feet of a college or any other school? This fucking nutbar. She'll try to tell you the universe exists because of Jesus's magic wand, but science might tell you otherwise.

Hey let's talk about TV! NBC: dead? Yes. Chuck Bass: dead? Yes. Kelly Killoren Bensimon: dead? NO! Unfortunately, Shit My Dad Says is not dead either,

Lindsay Lohan has a cocaines. Many, many cocaines.

Rat Monster!!!! Run, Wikileaks, run!! It's out to get you!!!

This American thing does not look like that American thing. And yet, they are both American! Somebody go get Cynthia Dunbar to correct this.

OK, this is tiring. Enjoy the nice weather, AND ENJOY THE END OF LORST!