Lady Gaga's Penis Dies In Berlin Sex Club Bathroom

She has confirmed it, she's denied it. We have endlessly speculated on it. But today it ends: A British journalist went into a bathroom with Lady Gaga and emerged with proof that Lady Gaga has no penis. Or did she?

The Times of London sent columnist Caitlin Moran to party with Lady Gaga after a Berlin performance. It is a long article, so we just scanned for the word "penis" and—lo!—we came across this passage. Moran and Gaga are many drinks in at a Berlin Sex club, when Gaga rises from the banquette they're sprawled on:

Gaga springs up, and beckons for me to follow her. Weaving her way down a series of corridors, we eventually end in – the VIP toilet.

"You're wearing a jumpsuit," Gaga says, with feminine solidarity. "You can't get out of one of those in the normal toilets."

As I start to arduously unzip, Gaga sits on the toilet with a cheerful, "I'm just going to pee through my fishnets!", and offloads some of those whiskies.

For the first year of her career, massive internet rumours claimed that Gaga was, in fact, a man – a rumour so strong that Oprah had to question her about it, when Gaga appeared on her show.

Perhaps uniquely among all the journalists in the world, I can now factually confirm that Lady Gaga does not have a penis. That rumour can, conclusively, die.

Scream it from the rooftops so that it may echo from every valley and mountaintop: Lady Gaga has no penis!

Or... does she? After all, Moran's account is suspiciously scant on details. Without getting too explicit, let us examine this supposedly conclusive evidence: Moran is in ladies bathroom with Gaga. As we all know from Tootsie this itself proves nothing. Then Gaga sits on the toilet. This of course does not preclude a penis. Men sit on the toilet sometimes—especially men who want to trick journalists into believing they do not have a penis. Perhaps the strongest evidence is Gaga's statement that she "just going to pee through my fishnets." Again, without getting to gross about it: Could she have not just stuck her penis through the fishnets?

In the end, this account proves nothing. In fact, it's a little too tidy an ending for the great tale of Lady Gaga's Mythical Penis. Gaga's weird, but it seems out of her normal range of strangeness to force a journalist to watch her pee—even going so far as to declare "I'm just going to pee through my fishnets!" Almost seems performative... a penisless pee as imagined by the be-penised.

Lady Gaga's penis is dead. Long live Lady Gaga's penis.

(Tip via Drunkexpatwriter)