Thai Movie You Will Never Watch Wins Cannes Film FestivalS

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives features Vin Diesel, some actress who was in Maxim once and many explosions. Not really! Which is probably one of the reasons it won the Palm d'Or at Cannes today.

According to Reuters the film, directed by someone called Apichatpong Weerasethakul is actually a "mystical exploration of reincarnation as a well-to-do farmer confronts his imminent death." Which, despite being somewhat out there, is also utterly predictable. Especially given that this year's jury was headed by Tim Burton.

The runner-up Grand Prix went to Of Gods and Men, which is "based on the real-life story of seven monks murdered during unrest in Algeria in the 1990s." A film from Chad got the jury prize, effectively third place.

How the art house film world has escaped a Bruno-esque satire is beyond us. We may remedy this by going to next year's festival with a film about the plight of [insert obscure but worthy ethnic or national group here] directed by a one-legged bisexual who has undergone some oppression in order to get the movie made. We will ensure that the film is so slow and portentous as to be unwatchable, but that people will feel guilty about being bored because many newspapers and magazines will have told them it is reminiscent of [insert incredibly slow 1970s director who specializes in screamingly dull long takes here].

In the meantime, we'll be watching Midnight Run and laughing every time DeNiro gets that other bounty hunter to look in the other direction so he can punch him and escape with Charles Grodin.