Brooklyn Is Cool Until You Start Reading About ItS

I live in Brooklyn. I like it. But, fuck me, I was under the impression that Brooklyn was pretty cool until I started reading all the analysis of it. Now I hate it.

Brooklyn was new but now it's old. Williamsburg was cool but now it's not. Where is the new Brooklyn? Is it the Bronx or, wait, wasn't it Philly or something? Oh no, the new Brooklyn is Rosendale, NY. Rosendale, NY, 90 miles upstate, is where they have artists and cafes and nightclubs and Maggie Gyllenhaal and galleries and creative freelancers and a rough and tumble feel and vegetarian lunches and organic produce and banh mi and DJs and bacon and graphic design. That is what Brooklyn is all about.

Do you live in Brooklyn? You are not just some dude, you are a "BroBo in Paradise." You don't live on a street, you live on a trend. Your life is composed of cultural signifiers. You bought a bike probably as a powerful statement on the new BroBo lifestyle, rather than as a thing to ride. You don't even know how to ride a bike, do you? Your backyard is a powerful statement in opposition to decades of Manhattan strivers. Your dog is a powerful statement of manimal freedom in a lustrous urban rejuvenationalism.

You live very self-consciously, in Brooklyn. Do you drink juice or coffee or eat vegetables? How do you live with yourself and your bourgeois lifestyle choices? Have you ever grown a plant? You monster, you gentrifying Brooklyn monster. Your plant is a symbol. Punch that up on your sushi iPhone app where you get your food from in your new robot Brooklyn dystopia, you invasive specie. Do you like quirky things? It's people like you who are ruining the Brooklyn remembered by old folks who sit on stoops and provide readily available sound bites about the days of old. Did you move to Brooklyn to save money? The rent you pay is a powerful statement of bohemian values. The clothes you wear are powerful statements of bohemian values. The neighborhood you live in? Park Slope or Fort Greene or Carroll Gardens or Williamsburg or Greenpoint or Bushwick or Bed-Stuy? Do you really want us to enumerate how your neighborhood is a powerful statement of bohemian values? You don't live in Brownsville, do you? Yea.

How can anyone take it, in Brooklyn?