Kids Finding New and Funner Ways to DieS

Deadly sunscreen! Hooters fat! Soda hypertension! Vaccine kids! Dirty blood! Swimming babies! Swallowing batteries! It's your super-scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—while developing firm opinions on issues too technical for us to grasp!

  • Here's some good news, your sunscreen very well may be increasing the spread of skin cancer across your fragile skin. Great, just great, guys. That's just great. Great work, sunscreen designers.
  • A former Hooters waitress is suing the company, alleging that it told her to lose weight or get out. It would have been funny if when they told her that she was like "Yea I tried, but I'm only eating food from Hooters and it's not working!" I guess it would also be funny if she won millions of dollars.
  • Hmm, researchers found that drinking "one less sugar-laden beverage a day" for 18 months significantly lowers blood pressure. And consider this intriguing postulate from an actual scientist: "If you reduce your consumption by two servings, you would probably lower your blood pressure even more." What about three servings?
  • New research shows that there is no benefit to delaying some vaccines for your kids. Parents, either be a 100% crazy anti-vaccine nut, or just go ahead and get all the vaccines. No wishy-washy stuff.
  • Threats to the US blood supply! Is your blood threatened? Take it out and boil it, for safety.
  • Swimming lessons for toddlers are just fine, according to "experts." Who are these experts? People who already know how to swim, and don't see why your toddler can't just dive right in, hey, give it a try.
  • "Swallowing lithium batteries: a powerful new danger to kids." Oh, for chrissake. Throw that kid in the pool.
[Pic via]