Pretty soon, you will have to wear a bathing suit, outside of your house. Will you look like a babe/hunk? Not if you are eating the nine chain restaurant meals or 20 drinks that are the "worst in America."
Every few months, we get a new list of "Worst Ever Chain Restaurant Meals." Unoriginal? Sure! But it's always good to get a reminder that you should never, ever enter an establishment that advertises itself as a "factory" for cheesecake. Men's Health editor and self-plagiarist Dave Zinczenko has made a whole business out of letting people know exactly how gross P.F. Chang's is with his Eat This Not That series.
And look at that! He's just put out a list of "The 20 Worst Drinks in America"! And just in case you still think California Pizza Kitchen is a good idea, the Center for Science in the Public Interest has given out its "Xtreme Eating Awards" for 2010, choosing the nine worst meals from chain restaurants.
So, obviously, as gourmands, we have to recommend pairings.
The Cheesecake Factory's Pasta Carbonara with Chicken (2,500 calories, 85g saturated fat)
Pairing: The thick cream of the carbonara sauce will pair well with the creaminess of McDonald's Triple Thick Chocolate Shake (1,160 calories, 27g fat).
Five Guys' Bacon Cheeseburger (920 calories, 30g saturated fat)
Pairing: You need a bold beer for a bold burger, so why not a Sierra Nevada Bigfoot (330 calories, 32.1g carbohydrates)?
P.F. Chang's Double Pan-Fried Noodles Combo (1,820 calories, 7,690mg sodium)
Pairing: The sticky sweetness of double-fried noodles would be nicely countered by a cool SoBe Green Tea (240 calories 61 g sugars).
Bob Evans' Cinnamon Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes (1,380 calories, 27g saturated fat)
Pairing: A strong Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino (290 calories 4.5 g fat) will pair well with the thick, starchy pancakes.
California Pizza Kitchen Tostada Pizza with Grilled Steak (1,680 calories, 32g saturated fat)
Pairing: A traditional Mexican dish like a tostada pizza needs a traditional Mexican drink like the Traditional Red Lobster Lobsterita (890 calories, 183g carbohydrates).
Chevys' Crab and Shrimp Quesadilla (1,790 calories, 63g saturated fat)
Pairing: The fresh zing of Auntie Anne's Wild Cherry Lemonade Mixer (470 calories, 110g sugars) brings out the sea flavors of the quesadilla.
Outback Steakhouse New Zealand Rack of Lamb with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh vegetables (1,820 calories 80g saturated fat)
Pairing: Notes of vanilla in the Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Soda (960 calories, 40 g fat) help offset the heaviness of the lamb.
The Cheesecake Factory Chocolate Tower Truffle Cake (1,670 calories and 48g saturated fat)
Pairing: What goes better with chocolate than chocolate? The Starbucks Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha with Whipped Cream (660 calories 22g fat) will help add caffeine to your sugar rush, as well.
California Pizza Kitchen's Pesto Cream Penne (1,350 calories, 49g saturated fat)
Pairing: The Smoothie King Peanut Power Plus Grape (1,498 calories, 44g fat), because, you know, why the fuck not.