Nabbing a Fleet Week Sailor: A How-To Guide

Along with giant flower broaches and nauseating cupcakes, another thing Carrie Bradshaw made famous was Fleet Week, the annual onslaught of horny sailors into Manhattan. Want to go about getting a man in uniform of your very own? Here's how!

There's just something about one of these military men that's so appealing. They're usually young, in shape, clean, neat, and, most importantly, shipping out in a few days. This is not the man you're going to marry, just a fun little fling. He's a knight that comes in his own shining armor. In fact, that all-white get-up is so shining, it's often blinding, making one sailor hard to tell from the next. And that's fine. You don't need to be picky. Just about any sailor will do.

They come here each year for a week of fun and freedom, even though some of these Navy men will have to work doing community service and other sorts of public outreachy things. Remember: This is just a big publicity stunt to make people love our armed forces, and if it's love they want, damn it, it's love they'll get. Here's how you can take advantage of one of the 3,000 seamen who arrived in town today.

Be a Lady: We hate to break it to the gay guys, but most of the sailors are going to be of the heterosexual persuasion. It's still kind of against the rules for gay men to serve openly and it's just the law of averages that the majority will be hunting for lady tail (and for those that are heteroflexible, they've been beating off with bunk mates for months, so it's time to flex their hetero muscles). Yes, the ladies definitely make out in this equation. For the single sailor who has been out at sea without a real live woman to look at for months, it's going to be like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Basically all you have to do is show up with the right parts and you should be good.

Go Where the Boys Are: They've set up a command center on Pier 88 in Midtown near where the Intrepid is eternally moored. This would be a great place to start. In fact, most of them don't bother leaving Midtown, so stick close to the area. If just roaming the streets and the nearby bars isn't your style, here's the official itinerary set by the military. Most of the programs seem easy to crash. They will also probably attract the square boys who don't really want to mess around though, so good luck.

Dress the Part: These military men are going to be ready to hit on everything that moves, but the government has them trained to be well-behaved. How to make a statement without saying a word? Your outfit. A little bit more cleavage and a shorter skirt than usual should do the trick. And heels. Don't forget the heels. Get all done up in your girlie finest and show lots of skin. These guys get plenty of macho when they're at work, so the sporty tom-girl thing is not going to work. Show off a thigh and you'll have someone up your dress in no time. Oh, and wearing the good underwear goes without saying, right?

Get Them Drunk: The one problem with Fleet Week is the the demand for sailors will far exceed the supply. Yes, they'll all want to get laid, but there will be plenty of ladies willing to entertain them for an evening. What do you do if you're maybe not as attractive as some of the other girls in the bar? Give our men in white the other thing they want: booze! After a few cocktails, you'll look just fine to take home, and they'll be so grateful for the drinks, that they'll show their gratitude all night. (This is also a good strategy for the gay who wants a little sailor action, just know he's not going to to touch your dinghy no matter how many brewskis you buy.) Just don't go overboard. There's nothing worse than getting him home to find out there's not going to be any ammo in his gun.

Have a Place to Crash: Aside from alcohol and loose women, the other thing that is at a premium on a large vessel is privacy. Having your own place is key to getting a sailor back home. He's probably still crashing on his boat, so you can't go there, and he's not going to want to deal with your roommates or your parents or your boyfriend or whatever other squatters are cluttering up your apartment. If you share a studio with two friends, spring for a cheap hotel room for the night. He won't care if it's a fleabag motel in Times Square as long as there's a bed and a bit of solitude.

Wait Outside of Strip Clubs: If you're really having a hard time meeting that sailor, then just skulk around any of the strip clubs in Midtown. This is the strange thing about strip clubs, they get the guys all worked up, but most of these petty officers don't have the cash to afford to, well, get off with one of the working girls. Where does that leave them? Walking home alone, half-drunk, and with nothing in their wallet but a swelling problem in their pants. All you have to do is be there. They'll be so used to objectifying women by then, they'll be looking at everything on the street as an object. Be willing, be free, and be ravaged. Let the ecdysiasts work them up and do all the hard work, that's what they're paid for.

Be a Closer: Like we said, there's going to be a lot of competition for these boys. Also, they'll be around their friends and probably alcohol, which could lead to diversion. Don't be the girl who spends a bunch of time working a sailor and then goes home empty-handed. Don't be shy, go for what you want, and you'll have a Fleet Week story all your own. And, for the love of Christ, when you nab him, please use a condom, or else you'll be telling the story about how you met your babydaddy at Fleet Week.

[Image via Getty]