Al Qaeda's latest diabolical plot: It's staging an assault on America's eardrums and it's using autotune to do it. A pair of hip-hop jihadis—including Alabama-born convert Omar Hammami—released hot new English-language tracks on a terrorist website this week.

Wired blog Danger Room reports that every jihadi who's anybody is listening to this farcically ridiculous English-language ode to Osama bin Laden: "How beautiful you are / Your sword gleams in the sun / Like a shining star." A particularly inventive verse rhymes "paralyze the Jews" with "blow up the Hindu." We downloaded the autotuned track from this terrorist messageboard. (Caveat emptor: I have no idea if clicking on that link will get you placed on some sort of FBI watch list.) According to Google translate, the song's title is "Revenge of the Symptoms in the Prisons of the Apostates." Basically, this is "808s and Heartbreak" for the Abu Ghraib-plagued jihadi.

There are some Arabic phrases I didn't understand, and there's one point where I swear he sings about portions of seitan. Do terrorists eat seitan?


Anyway, the above single comes from Asadaullah Alshihani, whose work—though catchy—holds not a candle to the pathos-packed oeuvre of Omar Hammami, the Alabama-born Baptist who famously converted to Islam and joined Somalia's al-Shabaab terrorist network. Here's a song Abu the American ("Abu Mansoor al-Ameriki," as he calls himself) released last week about how "Islam can't be beat / While in our land don't even think about peace."

This stuff is so ridiculous it sounds like a joke, but both NPR and Danger Room say it's real, and it'd be awfully elaborate for a prankster to infiltrate jihadi forums with mediocre songs like this. Anyway, it's getting increasingly difficult to keep a straight face next time they say they're going to kill us or whatever. Wait a minute—what if that's what they want us to do? What if this is all a distraction to make us lower our guard so they can strike while we're doubled over laughing? Damn terrorists ruin everything. [DR, DR, NPR]