Pooping Yourself Dead, and Other Health SecretsS

E. coli-infested food! Metal-infested drugs! Fancy-infected doctors! Whooping-infested coughs! Harlem-infested hospitals! And liver-infested poop! It's your lifesaving Health Watch, where we watch your health—while infested with wisdom!

  • So, you thought the federal government or perhaps some sort of magic fairy was testing all your food for E. coli? Yea except for the six strains of E. coli that nobody is testing for at all. Think about that. Or, better, don't.
  • Here's a question for you, you maker of drugs: Why are there metal shavings inside the fucking medicine, drugs, that you made and then sold in the stores? Hmm? What was that? Why were they there? Do you even have an answer? Look at me. Look at me.
  • Back in my day we just made do with a family doctor or, failing that, a witch doctor. But now, a new "breed of physician-administrator has increasingly taken over the care of the hospitalized patient from overburdened family doctors with less and less time to make hospital rounds." As long as they still administer soothing heroin, that sounds fine.
  • Cases of whooping cough in California have doubled this year. Well it is hard not to "whoop" with excitement twice as much at Robert Downey Jr.'s star turn in Iron Man 2, is it not?
  • Oh, they just found thousands of heart tests at Harlem Hospital Center that never actually got sent to doctors and guess what, some of them show bad heart problems so maybe the people are dead now, who knows. At least this did not happen in a neighborhood where celebrities live.
  • Haha, the famous weight loss drug "Alli" that causes you to poop yourself thin? Could severely damage your liver. It's tough though, because pooping yourself thin still sounds so good.