If you want to join MTV's ongoing reality madness, you're in luck: Open casting calls for Jersey Shore are scheduled for Sunday in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Getting on the show won't be easy though. Here are some tips.
The good news: If you're planning to spend Memorial Day weekend in Vegas (baby) or AC, you're probably exactly what the good folks at Doron Ofir Casting are looking for. But if you want to cash in on the success of the show and you're not a princess of Poughkeepsie deep down in your little soul, you still may be able to grab a slice of the pie. Follow these steps, throw a thong and some bling in a trash bag, book your last minute bus ticket, and you'll be charging $10,000 per club appearance in no time.
Be the Stereotype: Contrary to what Jersey Shore's producers say to the press, they're really looking for the guido stereotype. You have to have the muscles, hair, tattoos, figure, wardrobe, and tan. If you're paler than a ghost, stop by a Mystic Tan and orange yourself up. Buy an Ed Hardy shirt or some piece of gauze that just drapes over your nipples and is connected by a rhinestone clasp. Accessorize, accessories, accessorize. It's the details that are going to sell the look. If you don't have an Italian name, fake it. Trying to break the mold will have you hitting the exit faster than Snooki falls off a barstool.
Have a Special 'Thing': Although you have to fit with the specific "type" they're looking for, you also have to have something to set you apart. The Situation has his abs, DJ Paulie Delicious has his blowout, Vinny has his college degree, Sammi has the sweet girl thing, and Snooki, well, this gift from the reality television gods has just about everything in one tiny package of greatness. You need to come up with your own special thing or some narrative that sets you apart from everyone else. Maybe you should draw on a third nipple or fake an exotic disease (that always works for America's Next Top Model). Or maybe make up a story about how you used to be goth until you realized guido was the way to go. Be "the gay one"! You know MTV loves to cast a gay one. Just create something that makes you different and memorable.
Have a Nickname: This is a must, because if you don't have one and get cast, the producers are going to give you a stupid one and you'll be stuck with it for the rest of your life. And don't use the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator, you lazy bastard. Play around with variations of your name. If that doesn't work, go with something that describes one of your finer attributes, like your big guns or gigantic hair. If that doesn't work, girls can always ask any straight guy for the stupidest stripper name they've ever heard. That ought to work, Obelisk.
Pick an Accent: You can't be on Jersey Shore sounding like the only part of Jersey you've ever been to is Princeton! No, you need to sound working class. It doesn't matter which accent you go for: the Bronx, Long Island, Queens, Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore (hon). Just pick one. You could even go Cockney or with a southern accent. It would be nontraditional, but that could be your "thing" (see above).
Punch Someone: Normally this kind of behavior would get you kicked out of a casting call, but the casting agents will think "If s/he behaves like this in civilian life, imagine what they'll do on camera." If you don't have a good right hook, just behave wantonly. Arrive obviously wasted on a variety of substances. Hit on everyone in the room. Take your "medication" out in the open. Just be a complete and utter mess. The odd thing is though, you have to say you hate drama. This is a key to getting on one of these shows. You have to be able to create an elaborate scene, but you also must hate people who like to cause scenes, and by hating them, you make the scene even larger. This is Bensimon's Paradox. We don't quite fully understand it, but it is a universal truth.
Be Yourself: This won't exactly get you on Jersey Shore but it might get you your own show. The casting agents aren't just working for one show, they find the personalities for all sorts of programs. If you have a big enough personality and are memorable enough, the next time they need to assemble the cast they'll say, "Remember the girl who lit firecrackers with her crotch?" or "What about that dude from the family of serial killers?" Then you're in! You could be the next Snooki! Actually, you're probably not that good.