The Week Babies Smoked

Let's take a look back at the week that was, May 22-May 27. It was a week of terrible things, sucky TV, and babies doing horrible deeds. The good news is it's a long weekend and we're taking off early.

The week began badly. The Lost finale was incredibly dumb. (Well, some of us think it was a great finale... for the sixth season. For whole the show? Yes, dumb.) The American Idol finale was kinda dumb too. Speaking of bad TV, CNN also sucks! Maybe we should just turn off the TV for a few months and see what else there is to do. One great summer thing to do when not watching TV is to watch summer movies! But don't go see Sex and the City 2. It is bad. Actually, lots of things about summer are bad.

Speaking of gay things, Don't Ask Don't Tell miiiiight be dead soon. Which ought to make some sailors very happy.

Depressed about the idiots responsible for the big nasty oil spill? Here, take some pills. Or just eat these killer meals until they kill you. Either way!

You know what makes everyone happy? Carla Bruni sticking a finger up your butt. Does she have fingers big enough for Kim Kardashian's big butt? There's only one way to find out...

OMG, computer stuff. Specifically, Facebook stuff. Mark Zuckerberg thinks you're dumb. So dumb that you need new Facebook privacy controls, ones that are easier. Do you like them? But it's not just Facebook people who are being computer jerks. It's also Yahoo! guys. Yahoo!

He's baaaaack. The (potential) intern from hell has returned and he is mad. Somebody give him a job! Maybe he'd like to be on Jersey Shore? Or how about a pole dancer? Then he could marry a celebrity Ponzi schemer. Or he could just help that guy who's taking down Sarah Palin.

Terrible things: Having your horsemint seized because the cops think it's weed. Teenage werewolves stalking the malls of San Antonio. Drunken sorority girls destroying the underground railroad. Actual Death Stars. 50 Cent's new look.

But most terrible of all is the two-pack-a-day baby who smoked his way into our hearts this week. (And bank accounts! Thanks, Smoking Baby. Now please, pleeeeeeease stop smoking.)

That's it! Enjoy the holiday.