Now That 'Top Kill' Failed, How Do We Stop the Oil Leak?S

So, "top kill," BP's last-ditch effort to seal up their oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, has failed. Now that our best chance for stopping the leak didn't work, what's next? And what sexy nickname will it have?

Well, "top kill" didn't "kill" anything, except for our collective hope. BP announced this weekend that the procedure—which involved pumping drilling mud into the leaking well head—didn't work, and BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles says they "don't know for certain" why it failed, which is, you know, extremely encouraging.

The awesomely-named "top kill" was supposed to be our best chance at stopping the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history. So, what's next up for the fun kids over at BP? We had some great ideas yesterday, but "the man" probably won't ever implement them. Here are some of other options:

Lower Marine Riser Package Cap, or "LMRP Cap"
What It Is: This is what BP is trying right now. Basically, it involves cutting off the pipe and putting a cap on it that will send the oil to a drill ship on the surface. If it actually works, "it will only contain a majority of the oil, and not the all of it."
Suggested Sexy Name: Pipe Condom

New Relief Well
What It Is: BP will dig a new well next to the leaking well to intercept oil. This is the actual best way to stop the leak—it just takes a really long time to dig. BP has started the work, but it won't be done until August, at which point there won't be much of a Gulf of Mexico to save.
Suggested Sexy Name: The Undertaker

Junk Shot
What It Is: Literally what it sounds like: BP would use junk like golf balls, hair, and bits of tire to plug the leak. Think your sink after you haven't done the dishes in a while, but on purpose.
Suggested Sexy Name: "Junk shot" is, you know, pretty "sexy" already.

Hot Tap
What It Is: Drill a hole in the pipe under the well and suck oil out of it. BP doesn't seem to have the capabilities to pull it off, so it's probably a no-go.
Suggested Sexy Name: Like "junk shot," "hot tap" is already sort of explicit. Maybe "pipe hole," or something?

Controlled Nuclear Explosion
What It Is: According to Russian daily Komsomoloskaya Pravda (helpfully translated by True/Slant's Julia Ioffe), Russia used to nuke oil leaks, like, all the time. The idea is pretty simple: An enormous nuclear explosion will move the rocks around to block the leak. No way that could go wrong, right?
Suggested Sexy Name: Let's Nuke the Fucker, Because Why the Hell Not?

[Pic via AP]