Bald? You So DeadS

Back fat! Artery gunk! Acupuncture science! Butterfly strokes! Bald death! Coke problems! It's your fundamentally important Health Watch, where we watch your health—assuming you're human, which we do!

  • A new fitness show called Jersey Couture takes on the important issue of back fat, and why you got so much hangin' out. Let us all watch this important show, for health purposes.
  • Are your arteries healthy, or all clogged up with gunk? According to this picture in the newspaper, if you're older than 50 then yea, they're clogged with gunk, sorry, buddy. Pictures in the newspaper don't lie.
  • How does acupuncture work? A new theory says that it works by stimulating your body to release a neurotransmitter called adenosine. This replaces the previous theory, "Needles are magic."
  • Think swimming is easy, tough guy? Then why don't you try swimming 500 meters+ of the butterfly stroke? Then come back here and tell me that swimming is easy, as the paramedics shock your lifeless chest over and over again, forcing water out of your fluid-laden lungs, because you dead, bro.
  • People "who wake up frequently at night to urinate have an increased risk of premature death." Also, "Male-pattern baldness and an enlarged prostate go hand in hand." The clear conclusion: bald dudes are all gonna die soon.
  • Doctors now say that heavy cocaine use can cause tissue death in the cheeks and earlobes. Yea. Yea, from getting punched in the face for being a jerk, on cocaine! Thank you ladies and gentlemen, here's Kevin Eubanks!
[Pic: Shutterstock]