Google's Top 10 Questions Answered

Know how when you go to type something into Google it offers all those helpful suggestions? Here are the top 10 things that come up when people type in "Why is..." And here are the answers. Wonder no more!

Why is the sky blue? This might blow up your pretty little head, but the sky actually isn't blue. The sky is a certain hue that we've given the name "blue." This isn't a question of science, but one of semantics. It doesn't matter how it takes on the color it has, what matters is what we call it. Some color blind people may not see the same shade that you've been looking at, but because they have been perceiving that color their entire lives, they believe that whatever slice of the color wheel they're looking at is also called "blue." To them the sky isn't the blue that you consider blue, but it's the blue that they consider blue. Get it? Actually, the answer to the question is pretty much the same as when you were eight and you asked your mother this in the car on your way to soccer practice. It is blue because we said it is. Now shut up and sit down or I'm going to pull over.

Why is my poop green? The long answer is that it is because you were probably eating certain foods that are either naturally or artificially colored blue or purple. Blueberries will do it if you eat enough. So will grape-flavored Kool-Aid, which any 7-year-old can tell you. The short answer is because you are a disgusting freak of nature. Now stop staring at your turds and go do something productive.

Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's not. Next!

Why is Lil Wayne going to jail? It's because Lil Wayne is a very bad man who did very bad things. He had a loaded gun on a tour bus and he wasn't supposed to have it, oh no he wasn't. And now he's in jail and we are all safe from another marauding rapper with lots of tattoos. But don't worry. He won't be gone long. He'll be back in March 2011 (or November with good behavior). Until then, you can keep in touch with him (or keep track of him) on his blog.

Why is everyone posting colors on Facebook? Because Facebook is a very stupid place, that's why. Facebook is basically all your proverbial friends jumping off a bridge at the same time. You always said that if Joe jumped off a bridge, you wouldn't, but you would. You know you would. So Joe posted some color on his page and said, "Hey everyone, be like me." And they did, and it spread from friend to friend to friend like some sort of electronic contagion until it infested the entire population. It's like memes gone mental, and it is all Joe's fault. Instead of wondering about this, why don't you stop posting colors or your "doppleganger" or some stupid grid of "Little Miss" characters with all your friends tagged in different roles and manage a bit of original and independent thought. Or better yet, move on to Twitter like everyone else.

Why is Haiti so poor? Because you won't write them a check. Now get off your fat, lazy ass and go donate some fucking money. If you can't figure out who to send it to or don't have any checks, just put $40 in an envelope and write "Sean Penn, Hollywood, USA" on it and put it in the mail with a stamp. They will find Sean Penn and he will personally hand-deliver the money for you as you sit at home and shovel Lite Cool Ranch Doritos into your gob while watching The Biggest Loser and fretting about people in other parts of the world not being able to survive.

Why is the world going to end in 2012? It's fucking not, you moron. There was some silly Mayan prediction that the world would end in the world 2012 because the entrails of some sacrificed virgin spilled out of her body in the shape of a 20 and a 12 and they said that meant the world would end or some shit. Who cares because it's not real. You probably believe in Nostradamus, too. And conspiracy theories. And that there's something under your bed. You probably saw 2012 and thought that John Cusack was driving an actual car when the world crashed down around him. No, the world will not end in 2012, but it might be a better place if you weren't in it by then.

Why Is yawning contagious? It's because you are lame, your stories aren't very amusing, and no one wants to be around you. It's not that one person talking to you yawns and then everyone else is struck by that yawn. It's just that you bore the hell out of everyone simultaneously.

Why Is Lil Wayne in jail? First you're asking why he's going to jail, now you're asking why he's in jail? Are you confused? Didn't we just tell you?

Why is my computer so slow? Our friends at Gizmodo would tell you it's because of your memory, RAM, hard drive, connection speed, browser optimizations, or some tedious crap like that. That's a lie. It's probably because you look at porn. That's right. Your computer is full of pictures and videos of naked people fucking. And when you go looking for those things—and you download pirated videos from shady Bulgarian websites—you're also picking up viruses, spyware, cookies, malware, and all sorts of other things that slowly erode the health of your computer until getting anything to process is like watching Betty White compete in a marathon. You broke your machine by being a nasty, slutty whore. If your computer had a dick, it would have fallen off by now. Are you happy?