Christina Hendricks won Esquire's "best-looking woman in America" poll, thereby landing on May's cover. But now Esquire's editor says Scarlett Johansson "completely screwed" the mag by refusing that cover. Did the arbiter of female attractiveness lie about America's loveliest lady?
EXHIBIT A: The Backstabbing Editor's Testimony
At a magazine conference in Toronto, Esquire editor-in-chief David Granger let slip that he'd wanted ScarJo, not Christina, for the "Women We Love" May cover.
[R]edheaded temptress Christina Hendricks of "Mad Men" fame, was not the first pick for the cover of "Women We Love."
That honor went to Johansson, Granger admitted, before adding: "Scarlett completely screwed us."
This was meant as a diss to Scarlett, but ended up dissing Christina—and his magazine's hotness-identifying methodology. Further investigation suggests Scarlett is the real woman Esquire loves.
According to one insider, "Scarlett was indeed the first person approached by Esquire to appear on the cover" and was "committed" to the shoot.
EXHIBIT B: Fraudulent Ranking of Hotness?
This "Women We Love" cover switcheroo is a scandal because Christina theoretically earned that cover by winning a 9617-woman poll for "best-looking woman in America." She beat the runner-up, Adriana Lima, with a 13-point margin!
EXHIBIT C: Further Bullshittery
Further investigation reveals the "best-looking woman in America" poll may have been bullshit. Adriana Lima isn't American, and Zac Efron beat Michelle Obama by 4 points, and everyone knows Zefron's not a woman but a eunuch. Maybe Esquire purposefully chose five inferior women to poll alongside their handpicked cover model, knowing the woman they had already chosen would win? So when Scarlett backed out, they simply plugged Christina's name into the poll, and waited for the T&A-loving masses to play right into their hands?
EXHIBIT D: The Photographic Record
Above, photographic evidence from Scarlett Johansson's 2006 "Sexiest Woman Alive" Esquire victory (photographed by Cliff Watts) and Christina Hendricks' 2010 "Best-Looking Woman" (photographed by Sheryl Nields). Both women are highly sexy. It's like Betty and Veronica, Jackie and Marilyn—are you a Scarlett or are you a Christina? Without Esquire's listicular guidance, how are we to decide?
This scandal rocks the very foundation of our ratings-honored tradition of men's magazines ranking female hotnesss. If we can't trust Esquire listicles to tell us which women give Americans boners, which we love, and which we only feel meh about, then what can we trust? Our own two eyes? It's like finding out Santa Claus isn't real. It's like the time L.C. said The Hills has a script. Next thing you know, they'll say reading Esquire won't actually turn you into "a man or boy who is a member of the gentry in England ranking directly below a knight." Horny American teenage males, you've been hoodwinked.
We reached out to Esquire and got referred to Hearst's PR department. We'll let you know which woman you really want to fuck (versus which one you only sort of do) as soon as they get back to us.