The Way We Live Now: Purely on assumption. We assume people are living. As far as we know. We haven't heard any differently. Not since we shut down the suicide hotlines. It makes the news much calmer, you see.

In tough times, you have to trim the fat where you can. Sure, people say we "need" suicide hotlines more than ever, to deal with the distressed poors always wanting to off themselves. We have to disagree. Here in New York, we're looking to save a cool quarter-million by shutting down the suicide hotline. And guess what? Suicidal people aren't the type to complain. They tend to just, I don't know, fall off the face of the earth, practically.

If people really wanted the service, they would demand it. And if they're all running out to jump off bridges and whatnot, they're not presenting an organized political front, and they can't expect their whims to be serviced. Suicidal types would do well to look at people who do get what they want, and take them as role models. Take Asians, for example. They love booze, and wouldn't you know it, Asia is now flooded with more scotch than an Asiaman could drink (well—maybe not that much. Haha). Other Asians, in China, prefer higher wages to booze, and they're doing a pretty good job of getting those, as well.

Bling Fling? Ring-a-ding-ding!

So suicidal people, instead of sitting around moping about how the last place on earth you could find a sympathetic ear has been ripped away from you to save a few measly dollars in a cruelly perfect metaphor for our uncaring world at large, why not just take action, for once in your miserable life? If you can't do that, well—you're no great loss, are you? [Pic via]