Welcome to the fifth installment of Gawker Media's Spring Guide. Do It!, your guide to working the springtime stroll, is stuffed with date ideas, make-out bars, free strip-club buffets, and tassel-twirling classes taught by one Jo Boobs.
All the Single Ladies! All the Single Lad—Ahem. Aaaaaaand this Headline Has Been Killed by the Power of a Thousand Death Stares
The above dead headline apologizes for getting that damn song stuck in your head again. Try to combat the earworm by perusing the saucy singles events and treasure troves of datable individuals below.
Singles Events That Suck Less Than Most
It's time you admit it: Prince Charming is not going to ring your buzzer, offer you two tickets to that thing you like, then lift you onto a white stallion anytime soon. Find someone with whom to share your affection for Old Spice commercials at these springtime singles events.
The Internet Killed Your Social Skills, Brooklyn, NY
"Brooklyn's First Musical Chairs Dating Night" happens on the first Thursday of every month (that means next one is July 1) at Macri Park Bar in Williamsburg. Drink specials and a dance party ease the mild humiliation of speed-dating. But you'll still be a dirty hipster. [Map]
Gourmet Dating, Chicago, IL
What better to way to meet your future husband than pureeing fava beans together? Sign up for this gourmet singles cooking class and your life of savory togetherness will taste of bacon mayonnaise. June 17. [Map]
Warm-Weather Pick-Up Spots
If you are searching for a gentle lovah, you need purpose to your springtime strolls. Throw on a cute outfit and casually peruse these singleton hotbeds.
Going to Ikea alone may seem like an exercise in masochism, but browsing the home office section could bring you elbow-to-elbow with a fellow freelancer looking for a file cabinet small enough to fit in a studio. A year later you can return and buy a normal-sized Aspvik for your new 1-bedroom. Click here for Ikea locations near you.
Book a cheap Bolt Bus ticket for a weekend joy ride between any major city in the Northeast, and chances are you'll be in line with (or sit next to) a friendly local headed in the same direction who will be willing and able to point out all the hotspots.
Remember the heartwarming story of love at first sight on the NYC subway? Well, they broke up, but at least they got their mugs on Good Morning America. For the mere price of a train ride, you can troll for a Craigslist Missed Connection of your very own. Just bring a book that makes you look smart, look up from it as passengers enter your car, pick your target, and smile with your eyes.
Blind Date Ideas That Will Quell the Suicidal Thoughts
If you don't fall madly in love with an amateur gourmet or a fauxhemian dance-party enthusiast, take all your Internet and actual dates to some of these sweet spots that offer enough cultural stimulation to eclipse the sense of disgust/boredom/shame/blind hatred you may feel in response to your companion.
Sweet Revenge, New York, NY
Enough sweets and booze can make the most pompous "restaurateur" (aka, night manager at a deli) or the most boring "artist" (he made A Film for his senior project—13 years ago) bearable. Sweet Revenge, a West Village cupcakery, pairs treats with beer or wine instead of milk, a truly inspired business model. [Map]
For more great blind date spots in NYC, click here.
Live Taping of NPR's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, Chicago, IL
Prove you are a sensibly humorous individual with a fondness for tote bags by taking your new "friend" to a live taping of NPR's and Chicago Public Radio's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, the weekly news quiz of choice for the tepidly cultured and easily amused. Plus you can't be expected to talk to your date over the crashing blows of Paul Provenza's zingers. [Map]
For more great date spots in Chicago, click here.
Eye Patch Shopping at 826 Valencia, San Francisco, CA
Shop for lard, flags, eye patches, mops, glass eyes and the like at San Francisco's only independent pirate supply store. All proceeds from the store go toward the 826 Valencia writing center, Dave Eggers's smartypants do-gooder brainchild. [Map]
And for information on impressing a hipster from San Francisco, click here.
For the Already Coupled
Keep the romance alive in your withering relationship not with sex toys and role-playing, but by going back to basics: gazing at the stars and making out like teenagers.
Make Out Bars
Perfect your art of the make-out at these dark and lovely watering holes.
Make-Out Room, San Francisco, CA
Obviously. But for serious, this Mission venue is dolled up in junior-high-dance streamers that are sure to make your hormones explode like it's 1993. Whoomp, there it is. [Map]
Voyeur, Los Angeles, CA
Yes, Voyeur is the club where members of the RNC were caught (probably literally) with their pants down. Recreate the magic with your sweetheart! [Map]
Niagara, New York, NY
Unlock the "Photogenic" Foursquare badge and your date's belt buckle in the perhaps too-private (thanks to the floor-length curtains) photobooth at Niagara. Just have a lookout wait for the photo strips to prevent Facebook photo-tag blackmail. [Map]
Gawker HQ, New York, NY
If you can get up here, you will almost certainly get in the mood to hook up with someone. See?
Big (or Little) Dipper Watch 2010
"The short nights of June offer a panoply of beautiful astronomical alignments. Mars slips past Regulus, the brightest star of Leo, early in the month, with Venus moving past the twin stars of Gemini soon after. A partial lunar eclipse on the 26th rounds out one of the best skywatching months of the year." This not-possible-to-say-better sensual poetry (slips! twin stars! rounds!) courtesy of StarDate Online. If squeezing your loved one under the stars doesn't save your relationship, we don't know what will.
The High Line, New York, NY
Every Tuesday, stare into the heavens with people who actually know what they are looking at as the Amateur Astronomers Association holds court at the High Line. That'll get your little dipper moving. [Map]
Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles, CA
At the Griffith Observatory free public star parties you and your boo can look at the sun, moon, and visible planets through a variety of telescopes. Amateur astronomers are available to answer your questions about the sky—and their equipment. Let your dirty mind ruminate on that last tidbit. Next one: June 19. [Map]
Adler Planetarium, Chicago, IL
Enjoy drunken star-gazing at the Adler Planetarium's 21+ Adler After Dark events held on every third Thursday each month. It's the only time you can peek through the Doane Observatory telescope, the largest telescope in the Midwest accessible to the public. June 17. [Map]
For more star-gazing locations, click here.
For the Interminably Sexxxxxxy
Do hand-holding, stargazing, and co-ed cooking classes leave you colder than Danielle Staub's sex tape? Then head over to sexy-land where the horny unite!
Erotic Literarture Events
Smart and sexy? Gasp! Enflame your already flickering literary libido at these erotica events.
The Erotic Literary Salon, Philadelphia, PA
On the third Tuesday of every month, Philadelphians gather at Time to read, listen, applaud, and/or comment on 5-minute spurts of original erotica at the Erotic Literary Salon. Next salon: July 21. [Map]
In The Flesh Reading Series, New York, NY
In the Flesh is a monthly reading series at the Happy Ending Lounge. It features the city's best erotic writers trying their hardest to get you hot and bothered. Next event: June 17. [Map]
Learn how to strategically and titillatingly work a feather fan at one of these burlesque classes.
New York School of Burlesque, New York, NY
At the New York School of Burlesque, headmistress Jo Boobs will walk you through the fine art of striptease. Hey, she piqued CBS Sunday Morning's interest. [Click here for classes and locations]
Hungry after all that pole-work? Chow down at one of these free strip club buffets! What could be more deeply delicious? Hey! No touching.
Well, that's it for now. We hope this helps you get laid. Or at least a free buffet lunch. We really do.
Tune in next Thursday for the next installment of the Gawker Media Spring Guide!
[Gawker Media Spring Guide sponsored by VW Tiguan]