Oil Spill Threatens Americans' Love of Profiting From Others' MiseryS

BP may or may not be going bankrupt. But the hotels in Florida are certainly hurting. Potential visitors in the Midwest are being scared away by images of the coast mired in gunk. Deals to the rescue! Or… not?

Deals! Is there anything they can't fix? Remember when the economy tanked and all those businesses started offering "recession specials" and now the economy is awesome again? Some people are suggesting a deal-based solution to the financial impact of the oil spill on Florida hotels: You need to jump on this oil spill thing and turn it into the steal of a lifetime. But Orlando hoteliers are not budging on their prices despite a dearth of reservations—refusing to even offering a free novelty bottle of oil dispersants with every suite. Why? According to the Orlando Sentinel, it is because of morals:

Orlando-area hoteliers said they're reluctant to cash in on the misfortune of their seaside colleagues by offering oil-spill discounts, especially since such a move might seem tacky.

"I have a personal problem with benefiting from someone else's problem," said Duane Winjum, general manager of the Quality Suites Royale Parc near Walt Disney World.

What!? Duane! This is America. We were built on someone else's problem! Problems which we in fact created! More recently, when 9/11 happened, many people's first instinct after hugging everyone in sight was to manufacture vast amounts of useless 9/11 paraphernalia. And it was through being ripped off on these cheap trinkets that our nation became whole again.

Dear God, Duane. America is being swept by Oil Spill Mania! Exploit this like BP exploited that sweet offshore oil. Where are the plush oil-covered pelicans, $29.99? The "Get 'em while they last" all-inclusive shrimp and seafood buffet? If you can't even bring yourself to offer a 10%-off coupon for anyone who brings in a tarball, then, truly, the oil spill has won.