We are less than one half-hour away from the most Important Soccer Match of All Time: America vs. England in the first round of the World Cup! Let's get ready to hate England!
It starts at 2:30: The highly-anticipated match between the two favorites in the World Cup's Group C. Listen, everyone knows the only reason Americans care about the World Cup is that it gives us an excuse to unabashedly talk shit about other countries. It's certainly not the "soccer," whatever that is. Some countries are easy to hate. Like France. Stupid French. Others are harder to hate, like Uruguay. So small and cute! But you must learn to hate even Uruguay if you're going to properly enjoy the World Cup
There are many, many reasons why you should hate England. (And we previously outlined why you should hate London.) Here are just the first six things we thought of. Use them to stoke your bile furnaces while cheering for England to lose this afternoon and the rest of the tournament:
They ruined the Gulf
British Petroleum! Tony mother fucking Hayward. These guys come over and dump millions of gallons of oil into our ocean and ruin our awesome pelicans. Then when we start getting pissed about it they have the gall to be all, "Oh, but if BP goes bankrupt then a bunch of old British ladies are going to lose their retirement funds." So? Doesn't England have socialized medicine so all these useless elderly can be peacefully euthanized on the state dime? (Sorry, state "pound," right? That's another thing: Your money is a unit of weight, morons.) We don't even want this stupid oil! The only reason we use so much of it is because England makes it so cheap. Here in America, we call that "enabling."
They are taking up all the seats at the bar right now
Go to any bar showing a soccer match in the next five months (or however long the World Cup lasts) and you will be set upon by a dozen drunk Brits. World Cup time inspires some insane, alcohol-fueled fraternizing among British expats, turning your favorite bar into a family reunion populated only by drunk, lecherous uncles.
What's with this "Football" bullshit?
It's "Soccer." Not that we care, at all.
Their elections are lame
Ha ha, this year England thought it was going to have an exciting American-style election for once, with their own white version of Barack Obama and televised debates and everything. Instead, all of the parties somehow managed to lose and now no one is happy. They can't even blatantly copy us right.
They still won't give Argentina the Falkland Islands back
Some serious geopolitical bullshit here. Listen, Argentina clearly has a legitimate claim on these godforsaken rocks because 1) they settled there first in 1828, and 2) the islands are fucking right next to their country. Why does England need more rocky islands? Their whole country is a goddamned rocky island.
Taxation without representation
Do you think we've forgotten the phenomenal screwing that was the Stamp Act of 1765? Some might say we evened the score by defeating the British in the Revolutionary War and helping bring about the eventual downfall of their empire. Oh really? Here, I think you dropped this. It is a nametag. It says "Hello, My Name Is: 'Tory Pig.'" Shut up. We must continue to embarrass and defeat the English in every arena of life for all of eternity. Even stupid soccer.