Brad Pitt Shaved His Beard of Terror, and Other MiraclesS

Praise be the gods of tabloid: Brad Pitt's chin scraggle of horror is gone. Lindsay Lohan's paid appearances are increasingly desperate. Joe Jackson blames his wife for Michael's death. Monday gossip starts the week with a clean slate.

  • BREAKING! Big, fat BREAKING news: Brad Pitt shaved (or heavily trimmed) his beard. The chin scraggle of horror and homelessness was not present on the face of Mr. Angelina Jolie as of 3:05 PM PST on the afternoon of June 13, 2010. May the moment go down in history: the moment Brad Pitt was hot, again. Hallelujah and thank Santa Angelina. [X17Online, image via X-17]

  • Ever since Lindsay Lohan's assistant and "lifeline" Elinore walked out, LiLo's come undone. She's "disorganized and can't function without someone leading her by the nose," legally prohibited from driving and "incapable of scheduling meetings, doctor's appointments, or work projects." She's like a toy poodle: survival instincts have been bred and pampered out. [TMZ]

  • Brad Pitt Shaved His Beard of Terror, and Other MiraclesMeanwhile, LiLo stars in a new set of thoroughly posed SCRAM bracelet paparazzi shots. Are the paps paying her, or is this part of a deal to get them off her back? She and sister Ali Lohan also did an endorsement for Muscle Milk Light that required them to strike humiliating boxing poses in the vicinity of protein drinks, all of which hews a little too close to dad Michael Lohan's main paying gig, on the Celebrity Boxing circuit. [DailyMail, image via Getty]

  • Joe Jackson blames estranged wife Katherine for Michael's death: "If you had listened to me Michael would be living now," he says he said to her after their son's death, because she wouldn't "keep him cheered up," whatever that means. Joe says Jacko descended into paranoia during his final days, "saying he was going to be killed, and was afraid he would be shot on stage" because "'They are after my music catalogue,' but he never said who he meant." Apparently Joe's acting out because he's not in Michael's will. Katherine's lawyer and a lawyer for Michael's estate agree he needs to STFU. [NOTW, TMZ]

  • Kate Hudson has a thing for awkward rockers. In Paris for the weekend (between scenes for Gawker's favorite movie Something Borrowed, apparently) she was "spotted around town" with Muse frontman Matthew Bellamy, who is British and clean shaven. Her last rockstar lover was ex-hubby Chris Robinson, who is American and hairy as a mammoth. [People]

  • The Kim Kardashian-Justin Bieber relationship is getting creepy. Last time Kim was seen with Bieber, he tweeted that she was "sexy," causing his fans to froth at the mouth and threaten to kill her. Naturally, this 30-year-old woman then decided to romp in the Bahamas in a filmy dress with the 16-year-old tween star who wants desperately to bone her. 16-year-old boys are wont to want such things, which is why 30-year-old women must avoid romping with them in the Bahamas in filmy dresses at all costs. You never know when you'll slip and fall and things will get statutory. [TMZ]

  • Keith Urban says daughter Sunday has wife Nicole Kidman's legs, which is kind of gross, but I think he's just trying to say she's tall. [People]

  • The teenage boy Jodie Foster allegedly attacked for asking for her autograph (she has since accused the child of being a "professional paparazzo") says he doesn't want money from Jodie, "just an apology." [Radar]

  • Brad Pitt Shaved His Beard of Terror, and Other MiraclesSnooki hit on Gregg Valentino, "The Man With the Biggest Arms in the World." They're 28 inches and he did it with steroids. (At right, one of the guns on the cover of his book.) I don't understand what muscles like that even do. For instance, that muscle nugget on his bicep—does that do something? Does it flex and strain when he lifts things? Or is it just... there... waiting to be deep-fried and eaten like a potato? [P6]

  • What will Larry King do when CNN lets his contract expire? Come to New York and be a lothario, of course. He's nursing wife Shawn Southwick back to health after a suicide attempt, but apparently he's reportedly still planning to leave her and the west coast: "He's had enough to L.A., the paparazzi attention, and the scrutiny over his marriage." In New York, you are free to screw your trophy wife's sister and watch her screw your kids' Little League coach, and nobody judges. [P6]

  • Peaches Geldof cavorted publicly in a bikini and underpants, but what I am noticing is the abundance of American Apparel in her wardrobe. (Bikini top, t-shirt, underoos.) Is there an AA ad in our favorite trainwreck celebutante's future? Can she pass Dov Charney's hipster-Hitler "head to toe"? These questions and more, on the next episode of (tic-tic-tic-tic) 15 Minutes. [DailyMail]