Charlie Sheen's life is like a gossip feedback loop. It's a never-ending cycle of drugs, floozies, domestic squabbles, and arrests. Adding to the strange repetition are that his cars are regularly being driven off cliffs. Why does this keep happening?

At 3am this morning the police found Sheen's car abandoned in a ditch off of Mulholland Drive in Los Angeles. It had been presumably stolen from his house in Sherman Oaks, taken for a joy ride, and then sent to its doom. The same exact thing happened back in February. Apparently the problem is that Charlie keeps leaving his keys in the car which makes them easy to steal and then abandon like some of real-life Sheen/Cliff/Automobile Tumblr meme. But I don't think that's the real story.

The last time this happened, Toonces, the cat who can drive a car, was blamed for ruining Sheen's ride. That frisky feline would never hit the same target twice, so now that it's happened again, I have a different theory: Charlie Sheen's cars are committing suicide! Like Knight Rider, they are powering themselves up in the night, driving out of the TV star's gated community and hurling themselves into oblivion. It may be that he works them really hard. It may be that they don't like being forced to transport lingerie models around town all the time. It may be that they are horribly embarrassed to be owned by Charlie Sheen. We're not sure. Depression is a very mysterious illness. The one thing we do know, is that Charlie Sheen is driving all his automobiles to kill themselves. Maybe he should think about crushing up some Prozac and dropping it into his gas tank.

[Image via Getty]