Don't Worry, America's McDonalds Aren't Going QueerS

Remember that gay French (is that redundant?) McDonald's ad that was cute, if not kinda sad (kid's closeted, after all)? Well an American McDonald's exec is now saying that kind of ad will never run in the States.

McDonald's COO Don Thompson recently spoke with the Chicago Tribune about all things fast food, and the subject of the "controversial" ad came up. What did Thompson think? Well, as a Christian... y'know:

It is an example that markets, cultures are very different around the world. I've never shied away from the fact that I'm a Christian. I have my own personal beliefs, and I don't impose those on anybody else. I've been in countries where the majority of the people in the country don't believe in a deity, or they may be atheist. Or the majority of the country is Muslim. Or it may be the majority is much younger skewed. So, when you look at all these differences, it's not that I'm to be the judge or the jury relative to right or wrong. Having said that, at McDonald's, there are core values we stand for, and the world is getting much closer. So, we have a lot of conversations. We're going to make some mistakes at times. [We talk] about things that may have an implication in one part of the world and may be the cultural norm in another part of the world. And those are things that, yes, we're going to learn from. But you're right, that commercial won't show in the United States.

So can you parse the main thrust of what he's saying? As a Christian he recognizes that there are weirdo countries full of godless, valueless weirdos who might like a side of gay dick with their Le Big Mac, but here in non-metric-system America, we have certain principles and morals to uphold that don't really jive with cute gay teenagers having boyfriends and not telling dad. This is just not a thing that American McDonald's consumers (is that redundant? sigh) need or want to see.

But of course gay people should eat at McDonald's!!! Oh heaven's to Birdie yes they should still shovel that poison horse meat down their gullets like they so many male penises and women vaginae at their regular Tuesday night sex and family ruining meetings. They just won't ever be featured in any ads or anything, because people will be mad or something. Because it's just, fundamentally, not proper. Eating 5,000 calories a day is as American as diabetes, but gay teenagers with gay teenage boyfriends is strictly the provenance of the French. And, perhaps, who knows, those peculiar atheist Muslim countries that exist somewhere between the long way around from Virginia to California. And it's OK to say this, in a big newspaper, because, like he said IN THE BEGINNING, he's a Christian.

So, OK, all is forgiven! He is Christian! That is an unchallengeable word here in death-fried Lady Liberty Land. You cannot say boo to him if he says "I'm a Christian," because it means that he is magical and purer and better and moral, this professional artery raper. But if you say, "I am going to not eat at American McDonald's because apparently they do not really like gay people," then you are probably just an uppity France monster and you should probably just go back there and sit in front of your télévision (the accent marks represent two limp wrists) and pray for another ad about buggery burgers so you can feel like a valid person in the world. Does this mean that The Cock on 2nd Avenue should pull their "Come as you are" quietly pro-Christian ad that I'm sure they're planning to run? YES it probably does.

America: Land of priorities.

[AdFreak, Videogum]